Mixed Feelings

December 20, 2010

So it's the week of Christmas. If you asked me 6 months ago how I would feel about this time of year, I probably would've said "the show must go on." Now I feel differently.

Christmas was my mom's favorite time of year....and this is the first time in my life that I am spending it without her. I just feel really empty and weepy. I thought that I was handling her death really well but something about this time of year is sending me into a tailspin. It's like I have started back at day 1 with grief. I don't really wanna go anywhere or do too much. But I'm pushing through in spite of it all. I just never thought that it would be this hard.

Now I'm not totally depressed. I have my good days....then I have a moment in that day. Then I have my bad ones....like today, where I can't seem to get started. Just praying for strength and guidance. At this point that's all I can do.

I am grateful for my guy. He been a rock. He knows how I feel and is there for me every step of the way. He lost his dad 2 days after Christmas, so this is always a rough time for him too. He counteracts the loneliness I feel. So here's to better days....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Day 8: Worst Job You Ever Had

November 30, 2010

This is a very easy one!! The worst job that I have ever had was being a bill collector. I have had that job TWICE!!! The first time I was collecting for HSBC, Wells Fargo and Walmart credit cards. The second time I was collecting on bad checks. Personally I don't answer the phone on bill collectors when I don't have the money to pay them. That's exactly what people were doing to me. People had bad attitudes. And I started working as a bill collector when the economy tanked. *sighs* I hated hearing all these hard luck stories and it hurt me to ask people for hundreds of dollars in one lump sum. I was WAY too soft hearted for that job.

Day 7: Best Job You've Ever Had

November 29, 2010

(Hey you guys! Of course I am back from hiatus after this long holiday weekend....but I'm back!!)

I have had many jobs in my life, some good and some bad. Giving where I am right now, I would probably kill to have some of those jobs back. Others I wouldn't pay anyone to take, lol. I would have to say that the best job that I have ever had was one where I did not get paid. People think that it's crazy but it's true. My favorite "job" was doing clinic work during law school. During my third year, I worked as a guardian ad litem in our Child Advocacy Clinic. For a whole semester, I worked as the "voice" and legal representation for children who were involved in custody battles, adoptions, emancipations, abuse cases. This was the most rewarding and tough thing that I have ever had to do. For as long as I could remember, I wanted to work in child advocacy. It was even part of my personal statement in my law school application. To finally be able to do that tickled my fancy. It shocked me the things that people could do to children, they way that parents use them as pawns in their sick and twisted games. I went home and cried a lot of nights because of the craziness that I was subjected to throughout the day. It made me look at the world in a very different light. I know for sure that my legal career will be spent in large part working for the benefit of those who can't afford legal services or can't be their own voice. I am very grateful for that experience.

Day 6: Five Favorite Songs

November 23, 2010

This is a very appropriate day for this post. I am a lover of music, so I am doing a concurrent 30 Day Music Challenge on my Tumblr. Here are my five favorites in no particular order.

  1. Ready or Not - After 7: This is my favorite song of all time. I first heard this song at a local pageant and something about it always stuck with me. I LOVE love songs and this one to me is a classic.
  2. Get It Shawty - Lloyd: This is my favorite song of my most favorite year.....2007.
  3. Limelight - T.I.: Urban Legend is one of my favorite albums of all time and this is the best song!
  4. Diva - Beyonce: This is my theme song!
  5. My Latest Greatest Inspiration - Teddy Pendergrass: My and my boyfriend confessed our love for each other while this song was playing.
It was hard to pick just five songs that are my favorites. I could really go on for days.

Day 5: Favorite Memory From Childhood

November 22, 2010

My favorite memory from childhood centers around my favorite birthday present. My parents used to take me to Memphis on my birthday to The Children's Museum of Memphis, which I am sure used to be called The Children's Palace. It was like a wonderland for kids....a giant play place. We used to drive an hour to get there and they would let me stay and play there almost all day! I remember the exhibits, the play grocery store and bank, the gigantic slides and climbing walls. I can't wait to take my child there. I am so happy that my parents exposed to that kind of wonder as a child. I am still a big kid today because of it.

Day 4: Places You Want To Visit

November 21, 2010

I am a lover of travel. I love to vacation and just get away from everyday life. These 10 places are on my bucket list of places to go.

  1. Las Vegas, NV: Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.....
  2. New York City, NY: I have always been a lover of musicals and plays and culture, so NYC speaks to my spirit.
  3. The Bahamas: Who doesn't love an island getaway?
  4. Jamaica: I want to see the real Jamaica though. Stabbing Jamaica....I would have to leave the resort on this trip.
  5. Los Angeles, CA
  6. Paris, France
  7. Rome, Italy
  8. Tokyo, Japan
  9. Washington, D.C.
  10. Walt Disney World: I could care less about the rest of Orlando. Just give me Mickey and Minnie, lol.

Day 3: Hometown Location and Facts

November 20, 2010

I am from one of the smallest towns in North Mississippi that I affectionately call the Valley: Water Valley, MS. The school district is very small. There is no Walmart, no Mickey D's. We just got a Subway 2 years ago. Sonic was the only place to eat for years, lol. I never want to go back there to live. EVER. Not just because of these things, but because of the atmosphere associated with it. Because it is so small, there is no where to work. You have to travel at least 20 miles to find a job. The attitude of the people is a destitute one and I am afraid to go back there and get stuck.

The most interesting thing about my hometown has to be the yearly Watermelon Carnival. It is an arts and crafts festival that attracts thousands of people. It turns into a homecoming of sorts for people. Class reunions are always held during that time. I haven't been since right after my freshman year in college. But next year is my 10 year class reunion. Wow.

Day 2: How Did You Get Your Blog/Tumblr Name

November 19, 2010

My blog name really was the easiest thing. The blog that I started in 2002 was named Thoughts of a Southern Diva. It was a personal blog, therefore it was filled with my thoughts. I have always considered myself a diva. I am a girly girl in every sense of the word. I love bags, shoes and clothes. I live in the South. Thus the blog was born! Law school kept me so busy that I was unable to give any extra energy to blogging. So once I started back, I wanted to acknowdlge my new accomplishments. Now I am being more honest and truthful, my posts seem to be more confession like. So Confessions of a Southern Legal Diva is my blog nanme. When I joined Tumblr last month, I wanted the same theme. My anthem is Diva by Beyonce.....so Diva is a Female Version of a Hustler.. was born.

Check out my concurrent Tumblr challenge ---> Diva is a Female Version of a Hustler

Day 1: Photo of you along with ten facts

November 18, 2010

Hello new and old readers!! Welcome to Confessions of a Southern Legal Diva.....again! Here are 10 random facts about me.

  1. I am a southern girl through and through. I was born in Alabama and have been living in Mississippi for most of my life. I wouldn't dream of living anywhere else other than the South.....but my stay in Mississippi is nearing it's end.
  2. I'm very opinionated and don't mind sharing those opinions with anyone who asks. BUT I am very shy. It takes me a while to warm up to people. This makes people think that I am stuck up when they first meet me when I am actually just warming up to them.
  3. I haven't cut my hair since 2000. I had a very bad haircut in the 11th grade when my hairstylist took me from mid-back length to ear length and blamed it on split ends. (ummm....you've been doing my hair for THIS long and you let it get that way. Yea, right....) I keep it trimmed, but I have a panic attack anytime someone gets too close to my head with scissors.
  4. I was a band geek. I played clarinet, bass clarinet, and tenor saxophone from the 5th grade all throughout college. I took lessons, did competitions, and even minored in music in college. I love music and all things that come with it. Which brings me to.....
  5. I am a member of the wonderful Sigma Alpha Iota, International Music Fraternity for Women. I crossed on a line of 7 young ladies on April 28, 2002. Sisterhood is wonderful in any form or fashion. I have always had to defend my Greek choices to those in the Divine Nine....but I wouldn't change it for the world. EeeeeOTA!
  6. I love football! I live and breathe NCAA and NFL football. I get sad after the Super Bowl and I follow off season news all the way until the preseason starts. My favorite pro team is the Carolina Panthers and my favorite college team is the Ole Miss Rebels.
  7. I love to cook. It probably sounds old fashioned, but being in the kitchen calms me. I hate to clean though. Washing dishes is not really my thing.
  8. I am a serial monogamist. I do some casual dating but I thrive in relationships....until they end and then I am back to casual dating.
  9. I love to read. Curling up with a good book is the perfect ending to a day. I am currently reading. What Keeps Me Standing by Dennis Kimbro.
  10. I am a Twitter addict. If I'm not tweeting, I'm reading tweets. I tend to have a lot to say.
Check out my concurrent Tumblr challenge ---> Diva is a Female Version of a Hustler

A 30 Day "Getting to Know the Diva" Challenge

A couple of months back I started to do a 30 day letter writing challenge. As of today's date, I am on day 11. I know. That's kinda sad. I am really just figuring out why I can't (...and at this point WON'T) finish that challenge. That challenge asked me to write a lot of personal letters to people on my blog. These are issues that I have either already dealt with privately or am in the process of figuring out where I am on them. The eleven letters I did write opened up a Pandora's box of emotions on me. I will continue going through that in private. But not on my blog anymore. It tended to bring the tone of my blog down into a depressing one. I am really a generally happy person.

So I found something new that serves a new purpose. This is a fairly new blog that I would love to see gain the readership of some of the ones that I have had in the past. But why should people want to? This is a personal blog, so people should get to know the person who is doing the writing. Voila! The Getting to Know Diva challenge! Over the next 30 days I will be giving my readers a better insight into what makes me tick, what I love, hate, live and breathe. This is being done in conjunction with a 30 day music challenge that I am doing on Tumblr. I will post that days link here with this one as I am certain to be updating them at the same time. Here is what I will be getting into for the next 30 days.

Day 01 - Photo of you along with ten facts
Day 02 - How you got your blog/tumblr name
Day 03 - Hometown location and facts
Day 04 - Ten Places you want to visit
Day 05 - Favorite memory from childhood
Day 06 - Five favorite songs
Day 07 - Best job you ever had
Day 08 - Worst job you ever had
Day 09 - Best day of your life
Day 10 - Worst day of your life
Day 11 - A sport you love to watch/play
Day 12 - Describe your day with a picture
Day 13 - Favorite season and why
Day 14 - Something you’re addicted to
Day 15 - What decade do you think you should have been born in?
Day 16 - What did you want to be as a child
Day 17 - Favorite genre of movies
Day 18 - Favorite class/school subject
Day 19 - If you were a teacher, what subject would you teach?Day 20 - Five people you are happy with right now (no names)
Day 21 - Person you can’t live without
Day 22 - Describe your relationship status
Day 23 - Five people you are annoyed with right now (no names)
Day 24 - If you could change your first name, what would you change it to
Day 25 - Favorite stores to buy clothes from
Day 26 - Favorite book
Day 27 - College you are attending or want to attend
Day 28 - Career goals
Day 29 - Ten life goals
Day 30 - Anything you want to post about


….is one thing that I have a LOT of. I know that you shouldn't be an overly proud person, but I can't help it. I have always been this way. I think I was fiercely independent from the moment I stepped out of the womb. My parents have always fussed at me for not asking for any help. I think that this is very strange because most parents fuss because they want their child to STOP asking them for help. I wish I could pinpoint this to a particular moment in time but I can't. Anytime there has been something that I didn't know how to do I always made it a point to find out how to do it. I hate asking for help on most things because I hate that vulnerable feeling. I don't like to rely on people when there is a possibility that they wouldn't come through for me. I guess that means I have trust issues.

I am having to learn how to swallow my pride a WHOLE lot in the past couple of months. Between being laid off, paying bills, studying for the bar, and trying to get my life together……I am having to ask for a lot more help than I am used to. I hate it. I don't like to be under scrutiny. I hate feeling like I'm annoying people when I want to help me do something. I just have always felt that if I can always do it for myself, I won't have any reason to be disappointed with anyone but me. I'm working on it though. I am realizing that this line of thinking is causing me way more grief than I need at this point. I stay stressed all the time….so I will work on letting others in.

I Don't Think I Owe You Anything....

November 15, 2010

This weekend was my grandmother's 71st birthday. YAY!! The whole family got together last year to celebrate her 70th. It was a huge and great celebration because it was a surprise and Ms. Grandma (yep, that's what I call her!) had no idea that my aunt and uncle (her two youngest) were coming home from Minnesota. Those were happy times because everyone was home. *sighs* *nostalgia*

This year was.....a bit different. My mom, of course, was missed. It was just my dad, my brother, and I. We got flowers and cards and visited. All good things. What trips me out is.....it seems that now no matter what I do, it is never enough to people. Here is where we enter the dreaded forced family gatherings. The day after her birthday we all go down to see her because she is really sad because she misses my mom. It's only been 5 months (today, actually) and I miss her like the dickens too! I personally just don't see the point of spending your birthday sad and depressed. The Lord blessed you with another year.....don't waste it. Anyway, I digress. We get down there and we talk about church for hours. We listen to tears about my mom (they go there....I don't). And the whole time I am just ready to go home. Afterwards I get multiple calls about my attitude: You didn't act like you wanted to be there. You should be more comforting to people because they miss your mom like you do. Why don't you respond to the fifty-leven people who I give your number out to without asking when they want talk about your mom? *side eye*

I'm irritated because it has come to me that people look to me (a little too much) to bring comfort to other people when it comes to dealing with my mother's death. I think that I am handling my grief pretty well for it to still be fresh. I have my down days. Hell I'm supposed to. BUT there are things that I can not and will not do in my time of grief.
  1. I will not use every holiday, birthday, or day that ends in Y to find reasons to just be depressed because everyone expects me to. My mother was a very strong person. I am a lot like her in certain aspects. She was a pretty happy person.....so my biggest tribute to her will be to just stay positive and not let this define the rest of my life (...that actually was one of the last conversations that I had with her)
  2. I don't owe anybody ANYTHING. I lost my mother. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through in my life. Therefore, if you are not calling me to see how I am doing and to offer me words of encouragement then I am not obligated to talk to you. I am not obligated to talk to you then. I'm sorry if I'm not making you feel better about it....but there is nothing I can tell you. This is new to me too. Be an encouragement, not a drain....maybe then I will answer the phone.
  3. The way I handle my grief is exactly that. No, I don't break down in tears all willy nilly. Actually it's been exactly 2 months since I've shed one tear. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her or that I don't care. I'm just handling things the best way I know how. Do you and I will do me.
  4. Hell no I'm not going to the cemetery. It is too fresh for me and I am NOT ready. So don't ask me anymore. I will eventually get back there....but not anytime too soon. I am so happy that talking to her there helps you. Keep doing that. Personally, I don't think she is there. If I talk to the ground, it's not going to talk back. Soooo.....yea.
I had to snap off because of all the flack I have been catching over this short period of time. It drains me. I wish she were here......that way when I got tired of snapping, she would pick up my slack. Thanks for blessing me with the gift of sassy and snappiness, Mama. Sometimes you need it.

Happy Black Girl Day From The Legal Diva!!!

November 10, 2010

Happy Black Girl Day!!!! For everyone who doesn't know, Happy Black Girl Day was created by Sista Toldja. It is celebrated every second Wednesday of every month. Ever since I started reading The Beautiful Struggler, I have been on board for each occurrence of this wonderful idea.

Today I feel SO uplifted and proud to be a black woman. I watched the premiere and the encore of Black Girls Rock! that was shown on BET. That was the most uplifting thing that I have EVER seen on BET.....and I watch a lot of BET. This is mostly because this is not a BET creation, but a dream and vision from Beverly Bond and her Black Girls Rock organization. Here is a little bit about it.

BLACK GIRLS ROCK! Inc. is 501(c)3 non-profit youth empowerment and mentoring organization established to promote the arts for young women of color, as well as to encourage dialogue and analysis of the ways women of color are portrayed in the media.
Since 2006, BLACK GIRLS ROCK! has been dedicated to the healthy development of young women and girls. BLACK GIRLS ROCK! seeks to build the self-esteem and self-worth of young women of color by changing their outlook on life, broadening their horizons, and helping them to empower themselves. For the past four years, we have enjoyed the opportunity to enrich the lives of girls aged 12 to 17 years old through mentorship, arts education, cultural exploration and public service. At BLACK GIRLS ROCK!, young women are offered access to enrichment programs and opportunities that place special emphasis on personal development through the arts and cooperative learning.
By speaking to the next generation in their formative years about issues of self-worth, goals, and aspirations, the organization reinforces the message that young women need not objectify themselves or relinquish their autonomy. BLACK GIRLS ROCK! has boldly taken on the crisis of our female youth of color here in America head on and understands the need for positive self-images and a strong sense of awareness. WE SEE SOLUTIONS.

Wow, right?! The awards ceremony on BET gave shout outs to women and girls known and unknown. There were so many positive affirmations on this show that I was in tears by the end of the broadcast on Sunday and I had to watch it again last night. *sighs* Sometimes as black women you need those positive affirmations. Especially when everything that you see on TV about you is negative. I personally am not one of those weave wearing, tooth sucking, neck and eye rolling, loud, ghetto, welfare receiving, 3 baby daddy having, ethnic name carrying, uneducated women. Neither are the majority of my friends. We are proud black women out here striving for excellence. The world would rather that nobody knew we existed. I would imagine that it is hard for a young black girl to have dreams of grandeur about the life she wants to have with all the negative imagery around them. Hell....sometimes it's hard for me. By negative imagery, I am not just talking about TV, I'm really referring to the things you see and live everyday.
This organization seems to be centered in Brooklyn. My thoughts have been, "why isn't there something like this in Mississippi?" or "shouldn't something like this have chapters?" Then I remembered that one of Twitter friends, Kira, has an organization that is really similar called Why Not Wait? These things only exist because black women like her and hopefully me create them and hit the ground running. I would absolutely love to create a Mississippi based awards ceremony like Black Girls Rock so that our young women can get that same sense of empowerment that I am feeling today. The new thing that I have taped to my bathroom mirror is the Black Girls Rock pledge. I hope to live this everyday. Enjoy and HAPPY BLACK GIRLS DAY!!!
I am a Black girl. My life is important. I am the continuation of a history, legacy and tradition of powerful people. The lives of my fore mothers now have meaning through me. I stand today because of who they were.
I am a Black girl. My presence is essential. I am a demonstration of the past, an inspiration for the future and I represent the unlimited possibilities of the present moment.
I am a Black girl. I have a voice. I say the important things that need to be said. I do not waste my voice on gossip, slander or disrespect of myself, my sisters or other people. I know the power of the spoken word and I use my words wisely.
I am a Black girl. I know my worth. I hold myself in high esteem because I value who I am. I treat myself with loving care, respect and honor. I honor and hold sacred my mind, my body and my heart.
I am a Black girl. I am committed and confident. I am committed to a future that holds great possibilities for me, my family, and the world. As I move confidently into my next most appropriate steps, I am inspired by life and I inspire others.
I am a Black girl. I have a vision for myself and a vision for my life. It is a vision anchored in love, propelled by integrity and advanced by faith. I am committed to learning how I can improve all aspects of myself so that I will be the best me that I can be.
I am a Black girl. I am not intimidated by anyone or anything. I bow to no one and nothing save my Creator. I move with elegance, grace, and ease, effortlessly accomplishing all that I set my heart and mind to do when it serves my highest and greatest good.
I am a Black girl. My life is connected to a loving Creator who protects and guides me at all times. Therefore, I am humble and honorable; patient and powerful; focused and flexible; determined and dynamic; loved and loving.
I am a Black girl. I say it, therefore I am it!
I AM life overflowing!
I AM success manifesting!
I AM confidence in action!
I AM fearless and free!
I AM commitment that moves obstacles!
I AM inspiration unfolding!
I AM pure love!
I AM a Black girl and I ROCK!!
- Dr. Iyanla Vanzant

My Healthy Hair Journey

November 7, 2010

So I wake one morning about 2 weeks ago and I'm thinking to myself.......my hair has stopped growing. It is breaking off, it's dry.....what is going on? I am thoroughly convinced that stress has gotten to my hair. Well....that along with not really caring for my hair that much. I must admit that my hair hasn't really been on the top of things-to-do list. I always want it to LOOK good. So I have been doing some quick weaves and using a LOT of heat on my hair to keep it looking decent. The downside is that I have fried the shit out of my hair. I miss my nice, shiny looking, LONG hair. So over the past week or so I have decided that I am going to start a healthy hair journey and implement a hair regimen. Let me tell you....researching about hair is a very, VERY time consuming thing. So many people have differing opinions about what you are supposed to do and how you are supposed to do it. So after days of research I decided to join Hairlista, which is a forum for black women who are going through healthy hair journeys of their own with tips and tricks. I also took to YouTube, which led me to Megz's YouTube Channel. They have equipped me with SO much information. The thing that I like about these two sites is that the ladies are RELAXED!!! You hear that world.....you can have long and healthy hair WITH a relaxer. I am not planning to go natural anywhere in the near future, so this really tickled my fancy.

In preparation I have bought so many different products. I hope they work. Here is the state of my hair: I am already 4 weeks post relaxer. My next relaxer will be on December 22. I am stretching 11 weeks.....I wanted to do 12.....but I need a fresh Christmas relaxer. I refuse to compromise on that one. I looked up my hair type. I am a type 4a, which in a nutshell means that my hair has a kinky-curly S shaped pattern. I have shoulder length hair. My goal is to have it arm pit length in year's time (which is subject to change because I am always threatening to cut it).

Look at my edges....so raggedy lol. Excuse the rolls. Working on that too....see my weight loss challenge, lol.

These are my products for my regimen.

These are my shampoos. I will be washing my hair once a week. I use my ORS shampoo once a month because it's a clarifying shampoo and strips my hair of all buildup. I use my ORS conditioner afterwards. Every other week, I use the Pantene. I deep condition for at least 45 minutes.

These are my leave-in conditioners. I use the Herbal Essences after every wash and the Cantu every night before bed.

These are my oils. I will be experimenting with all of these. I use these to oil my scalp and the seal my hair after I moisturize at night.

These are the products that I use when I use heat on my hair (flat irons, curling irons, blow dryers). I will only be using heat ONCE a month....I hope.

So that's that. I will check back in after my next relaxer. Wish me luck!!!

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

October 25, 2010

(NOTE: For reasons that many people who follow my blog are already aware of, I have put off writing this letter for almost a week. So now it is time to actually get these feelings out so that I can move forward with this already too long 30 day challenge, lol.)

Dear Mama,

It's been a little over 4 months since you passed away. What I can I say? Things are definitely different now that you are gone. It's amazing how I never really paid attention to how intertwined you were into my life. I guees that's because I took for granted that you would always be here.

I remember like it was yesterday when you got diagnosed ....summer 2007. I remember that you went to go get some testing done and they found a mass in your lung. I just wanted to go to every appointment to keep you calm and make sure you weren't freaking out. You found out definitely that it was cancer 2 days before my 24th birthday. You didn't tell me because I was in Atlanta celebrating and partying for a week. IN FACT...you lied and told me you were fine until the moment I touched back down in Mississippi. I couldn't be mad at that. That was always your way....keeping me anything that could be considered as bad news.  A lot of people talk about how angry they are when someone close to them dies. I haven't reached that stage of grief yet....and I'm not sure if I will. I had time to try to wrap my mind around this thing before it happened (though I know now that nothing could have prepared me for the way that I feel). We had great conversations and laughed all the way to the end.

I just miss you. It just sucks to be left in a family full of guys (you know I love them.....but hell you know your son and husband). I just miss hearing your voice and calling you. I realized that I wouldn't make a major move until I talked to you first. Now I'm coming up on a season of nothign but MAJOR moves....and I feel kinda lost because I feel as if I need you here to just through it with me. It is damnest times where I miss you the most. Monday Night Football. Work issues. Real Housewives of Atlanta (...who else can I call fifty-leven times in one episode to talk about those stupid hoes, lol). *sighs* Who's going to help me plan my wedding? Who's going to help me to be as good of a mother to my child as you are to me? Those are the things that run through my mind all the time.

All I want to do is make you proud. That is thing that I am striving for now. As much as it is important, for God to say "well done" at the end of my life's journey....I want to hear it from you too. I love you. I will always miss you.  Keep me a spot warm up there....you know I'm working to be able to take it.

Love always,
Kat ♥

My Alli Plan: Week 3

Weight Loss Challenge Week 3

Starting Weight: 190 lbs.
Last Week's Weigh In: 191 lbs
Current Weight: 189 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: -2 lbs.
Target Weight Loss: 5% of total weight (180 lbs.)
Goal Weight: 140 lbs.
Calorie Target: 1800 cal./day
Fat Gram Target: 19g/meal

Yay!!! I lost two pounds this week. Now that works. I was a little depressed last week that I gained a pound....but it was the swift kick in the ass that I needed to get up and start moving. Literally. So I started running last Tuesday. Well....mostly jogging. I have never really been a fan of running, but the boo lost hella weight over one summer just by running. I ran Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. This morning I added Hip Hop Abs into the mix. That was VERY tiring....but it was so much fun!!! I have got a plan to run Monday, Wednesday, Friday & Saturday. Then I am gonna do workout videos on the off days. Excited!!!

New Age Dating Issues.....or Why I'm Glad I'm Not Single

October 23, 2010

The name of the above video is called "Black Dating in a Hip Hop Society." I found this video while I was peeping around on Tumblr. I must say a HUGE thank you to eyedlethoughts for posting this. It truly made my day.

On to the matter at hand. While this video/cartoon was funny as hell to me, it does highlight something that is very real in the black community. Though I may be crucified for this, I am going to be VERY real in this moment. Here goes: SOME BLACK WOMEN GIVE US ALL A BAD RAP WITH THE DECISIONS THEY MAKE WHILE DATING!! *whew* It's out there now. (Who gone check me, boo?)

So this video/cartoon starts off with a woman and her boyfriend. He is trying to take her out. After making excuses, she tells him that she is living a lie and doesn't want to date him anymore. This is the following exchange:

Girl: I need a boss, I need a baller, I need a man like Lil' Wayne.

Dude:Yea...I don't have a lot of money, but I am in graduate school trying to improve my life so that I can improve yours.
She goes into great detail on how she needs and deserves Gucci bags and diamonds and how she can't be with him because he doesn't give her that. Towards the end of the video, the guy tells her that he is glad that he sees her true colors because he was going to propose that night and he just won the lottery. At this point, she tries to turn it around on him....telling him he must be cheating since he doesn't want to fight her and begging him not to leave.

Today, women are always talking about how there are no good men left. In actuality, I wonder how many men think the same way. People in general, not just women, are not willing to work and grind for the things that they need. They want someone else to do the work so that they can ride their coattails. So this video makes sense to me, no matter how sad the effects. Hip hop videos give the fantasy that some rapper/singer with lots of money is gonna scoop you up from your job at MickeyDs, tell you he has money to blow and you can throw it in the bag because you can have whatever you like. There are so many of those videos out there that I believe young girls actually are waiting for somebody to "save" them and buy them lots of high end trinkets.

I, personally, want Coach bags, Louboutins, diamonds, and fast cars. Isn't every woman's dream to have really nice things? My goal to get these things is/was very simple:  go to college, graduate, get accepted to law school, graduate, pass the bar exam......wait til the money starts pouring in. I want to get these for myself! I don't want to be a Twitter trending topic to get nice things (i.e., #hoesfuckingfor Louis bags). Many times great men are passed over for the dumbest things. I would take a man any day that is going to school with a good work ethic and life plan who is currently broke over a man making fast money who isn't guaranteed to buy me the same things 6 months from now because he might be in jail. I have a lot of male friends who are actively weeding out the women who just want to benefit from their hard work. They recognize within 2 weeks when a woman wants them or just wants what they have. The ones out there trying to see how much they can get are put on the booty call list and are treated like crap.....immediately. Not going to let men totally off the hook though. There wouldn't be nearly as many of these women out there had it not been for SOME men out there trying to buy love and pussy. Yea.....I said it.

I was always taught that you get out of ever relationship the same thing that you put into it. In the words of Lyfe Jennings, "be the person you want to find, don't be a nickel out here looking for a dime." (more hip hop for you...) Instead of looking for a man to come and save you, save yourself first. Get out there to make things happen for yourself and I guarantee you will soon find a man willing to shower you with everything you ever wanted......if you even still WANT a man when that happens.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

October 20, 2010

Dear CL,

How have you been, girl?! It has been a moment since we have spoken. I have to say that out of all my girl friends, you have to be my bestie. We have helped each other to keep our sanity all throughout undergrad. When we were here together, there were good times all around. Late night drinking sessions, clubbing, phone convos blasting our men at the time for the wrong that they have done, "pizza and porn" Fridays with the crew (please don't ask lol)......the spice of life for young college girls. You moved to Massachusetts to start law school about 2 years ago. I was so proud!! We always had that dream together and I was happy to assist in any way possible since I was on my way out on your way in.

Then the unthinkable happened.......we fell off. We are rekindling our friendship little by little but I really miss how we used to be. We dated and fell in love with two guys who were roommates. Who woulda thunk it? When your relationship ended, I felt so bad that I had developed such a great friendship with your ex. I didn't want to be in the middle of the drama. I know that this is what caused the rift in between us because I didn't want to get involved.....for the second time. I am glad that we have finally cleared that up so that we can finally move on. You are a very valuable friend to me. In fact.....I'm texting you right now. Can't wait until you head back to the South next year!

Love you lots!

♥ Kat

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

October 19, 2010

Dear Auntie,

I know this blog post is supposed to be dedicated to someone that you wish that you could meet....and I have already met you....but I don't remember. You died when I was 2 years old. Mama always spoke highly of you and how much that you cared for me the moment that I was born. She said that you always talked about how I was your favorite niece. I wish that I could remember you. I don't really get along with a lot of people on Dad's side of the family. To at least have one person that I feel close to on that side of my DNA would have been nice. How close would we have been? What kinds of things would we have done together? I am grateful to know that you were a big part of my early life.


♥ Kat

Getting to Healthy

Weight Loss Challenge Week 2
Starting Weight: 190 lbs.
Current Weight: 191 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: +1 (ouch!)
Target Weight Loss: 5% of total weight (180 lbs.)
Goal Weight: 140 lbs.
Calorie Target: 1800 cal./day
Fat Gram Target: 19g/meal

So this is the beginning of Week 2 on Alli. I gained a pound....ouch! I will say that this has every thing to do with me taking the pill, skipping breafast, going over my fat targets on dinner and barely exercising. So there I can admit it. It only took me to gain a pound to realize that I really needed to change. The first week I did really well. Then I went to the Mississippi State Fair. It was all downhill from there, lol. I ate funnel cakes, turkey legs, chicken-on-a-stick.....yea I overdid it. But the fair only comes once a year so I am over that. I hope to exercise a little more self-restraint over the holiday season....or at least lose some weight by then that I will feel so fabulous and not really care.

So I began my real quest this morning. I always PLAN to do something but never get into the action part of it. I woke up right before the sun came up and went the park and just walked and ran it out. Mostly walked, but hey...I'm moving right. I broke a sweat and felt the burn so I feel good about the workout. Came home and ate breakfast. I NEVER eat breakfast so this worked. I plan to do this everyday....except maybe Sunday because even God got rest on the 7th day, lol. I am also looking into taking Zumba classes. They are becoming really popular here now. At $5 a class, I could get into that. Beats the hell out of where that $5 normally goes (chicken flatbread sandwich, nachos, and a Mountain Dew Baja Blast from Taco Bell). So pray for me....I'm going all in this time.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend

October 13, 2010

Dear Twitter/Facebook/LiveJournal Friend,

I feel as though I know you in REAL life. I have know you since high school when I was first introduced into the world of blogging. I never knew that I could connect with someone that I have never met in person and that lives over 16 hours away from me. Reading your thoughts, blogs, and now your tweets I feel as though we could have been sisters! We have been through so much together: deaths, births, graduations, new boyfriends, new careers, lol. As much as we travel, why haven't we met?! Anyway you would be the perfect gal pal if you were closer and I hope that this meeting of the minds continues long into the future.

Love always,
Kat ♥

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

October 12, 2010

(PSA: I had to debate about which one I was going to write this letter to. Because Day 20 focuses on the person who broke your heart the most….had to go with another choice, lol)

Dear Ex-Fiancé,

It is amazing how fast time flies. It has been 8 years since the last time we have seen each other. I remember it like it was yesterday, Spring Break 2002. At that point in time I never would have though that it would have been the last time that I would ever see you. We were in a long distance relationship at that time…..I was a freshman at Ole Miss, you were working in Shreveport. Our paths just never joined back up.

You were my first "grown-up" relationship. You taught me so much about myself. I learned how much of myself I was willing to sacrifice for a relationship. I realized that being engaged was overrated for an 18 year old dropped in sea of cute, educated black men. I learned that I was going to grow up on my own calendar and not when you wanted me to. I thought that being in a relationship with someone that was 8 years older was okay since I was "mature" for my age. You were at the point in life where you were ready to get married and settle down. I was just really beginning to live. The way that it ended…..I really apologize for that. Although I found out later that you were cheating on me, I still feel that I could have handled it a lot better. I met someone else (the subject of Day 20's letter). You weren't acting right. I FedEx'ed your ring back to you and started living. I resented the fact that I didn't have a normal freshman year trying to not to make you feel insecure. I was WAY too young for you and I am so sorry if I wasted any of your time.

Every now and then I think about you and send you a text to see if you are still alive. We even just started back talking on the phone. Our conversations make me smile because I realize that I made the right decision. You got that family that you always wanted. I'm sorry that you and your wife don't always see eye to eye. I pray that your health returns and that you get that transplant because you are still dear to me. Although I hate rehashing the events of 8 years ago….it is nice to hear from you from time to time.
Love always,
Kat ♥

Blog Vacation!

Soooo......sometimes I am horrible with blogging. I have to be the only person that can turn a 30 day blog challenge into 3 months. Starting tonight I am going to blog EVERYDAY!!!! And call me on it, okay!

My Weight Loss Journey

October 5, 2010

Today I did it. I started my new diet. Yea, I know. Women are always trying to lose weight for some reason or another. This one is way more than for aestethics. I am 5'1". I weigh 190 pounds. I am WAY too short to weight that much. I looked on one of those magical charts that they have in doctors' offices and it said that I should probably weigh around 127. What?! I haven't weighed that since high school.....that was 9 years ago. I gained about 10 pounds since June. Yea....that weight correlates with the my mother's death. So now it's turnaround time. As much as I love and miss my mother....I don't want to see her NO TIME SOON. So operation lose 50 pounds has started today. I have purchased Alli and have gotten a weight loss action plan and everything. I am focus. My plan is for 6 months, so I am really excited as to how this is going to work out. I can see myself now......fine as hell for the Supreme Court swearing in ceremony in April. The only thing stopping me is me. So here goes!

Spiritual Confessions

October 3, 2010

I have been searching for something. You know what it feels like to be looking for something....never knowing what it is. I am at a crossroads with my spiritual life. For years, it has been based on everything and everyone around me. Today I draw the line in the sand. I have to do this on my own. 

Religion and spirituality in the black community has always been something that has made me sit up and take notice. In my opinion, it lacks genuineness. This is based not only on my own experiences, but also the experiences of friends and family members. Here are my reasons below:

#1: There is an almost bullying into Christianity.

Most black people start going to church right out of the womb. Somewhere around age 9, there is a subtle pushing towards joining the church. By age 13, you will be reminded nearly everyday that you are not a member of Hold My Mule While I Shout Missionary Baptist AME Zion Church. In my hometown, our local paper publishes a bio of every high school graduate. It contains awards and accomplishments of the graduating senior, where they plan to go to college, parents' names….and what church they are a member of. At 17 I had still not been baptized (I know….the horror!) My mother pushed me for a whole year to join my home church so that there will be something to say about it in the paper. Ummm….what?! It was then that I realized joining the church is more like a social stage of life, a coming out party of sorts where you present yourself to the world as a Christian. I take my faith a little more seriously than that. There is a problem when you force young people into accepting Christ at an age when they don't really know what all that entails. You end up with a generation of adults that think just because they got dipped in water, they are free and clear with the Lord. I don't subscribe to that kind of behavior. I know that there are some people that accept Christ early and lead the life that they are supposed to. But often times….youth and the process of growing up overshadows your faith unless you have more guidance than "join the church!"

#2: There is more preacher worship than worship of the Lord.

With the ongoing drama of Bishop Eddie Long, this seems to speak for itself. The black community always jokes and laughs at the practices of Catholics. Saying we don't need a Pope to get to the Lord. BUT what they fail to realize is the worship of the preacher/pastor is nearly the same thing. People seem to move from church to church following a pastor. They take everything that the man says as law....hanging on to his every word without getting to know the Word and God for themselves. That is why there is a legion of 25,000 people in Atlanta that feel extra lost right now. (Okay….I recognize that there are members of New Birth that are not drinking the kool-aid) A spiritual walk with God consists of you and God….that's all. A pastor is your spiritual guide along the way. Nothing about that man is supposed to get in the way of you and your spiritual walk. This is a concern that I have about my dad. He is focused so much on the relationship with the man that he can't see why I won't blindly follow our preacher. This man baptized me and that I am grateful for. But it seems that over the past 2 years, the focus has become more of getting people to join his church rather than strengthening the flock he has. (See point #1)

#3: There is not enough open dialogue and discussion of the Bible and the faith.

The mantra of every church is that coming to Sunday morning regular service is not enough. Everyone should come to Wednesday night bible study and Sunday church school in order to get the meat and potatoes of our faith. This makes a lot of sense. The sermon is good for the spirit, but there is only so much that can be placed into a sermon Sunday in and Sunday out. The problem with this, in my experience, is that a lot of preachers and Sunday school teachers want to spoon feed their members their own interpretation of the Bible. If you ask a question, folks get upset. If you offer a different thought than the one that they have given you, people get fighting mad. The only ONE interpretation of the Bible….which comes from God. If I ask a question, I am not challenging you or telling you that you are wrong. I am just trying to gain a better understanding. Going to school in any other situation, I am challenged to ask questions and use my mind to gain a better understanding of the material that we happen to be going over. Why not in church? Some older people in the church want to be the authority of what is going on in the Bible. They don't want you to think for yourself and want you to just accept that it is that way because they say so. I have been taught not to do that in secular life and I REFUSE to do that in church.

#4: There is not enough innovativeness in the teachings of the Lord.

Another argument is that the youth of the church are bringing too much of the world into the church. They feel as though the way that the church is done is fine and no one should change it. I disagree. There is an allure of the streets for the youth today. There is almost nothing that attracts youth to the church. You have to be willing to evolve in order to bring more souls to Christ. That is the ultimate goal of Christianity, right? I say, if there is something out there that you can do to bring the youth inside the church, you should by all means do it. (As long as it is within the Word) My dad, who is a deacon, hates gospel rap and praise dancing/drill teams. Says that it has no place in the church. He doesn't like Mary Mary because they sound too much like R&B and you can't really tell that they are praising the Lord. I, personally, am not a fan of gospel rap. Not for the same reasons that my dad is not. I feel that rap is an art form and an expression of creativity. Most gospel rappers are just not talented. If there was a young Jay-Z or Common that spit lyrics for Jesus, I would be all over that. I took a real offense to the dislike of Mary Mary. Music ministry is very important to me. A lot of their songs move my spirit. I think that their gospel music shows where we are in music and in faith. I love other more standard gospel artists, but I hold them dear. Saying that they sound too much like R&B is a stupid argument. My dad has a favorite gospel CD that I can't really tell is gospel. I literally feel as if someone has dropped me in the middle of a juke joint. So it was okay for your generation to make gospel music sound more like what you listened to secularly, but it is not okay for me?

All of these things have led me to the conclusion that I am just going to work on my personal relationship with God and not worry about being a member of a particular church for the time being. I am not going to stop going to church altogether….just put the focus where it belong. On God.

Reflecting and Remembering...

September 26, 2010

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 52 today. I have passing moments of sadness but overall I am okay. It's been a little over 3 months. This has been a LONG 3 months.

My brother and my dad went to her grave this afternoon and placed fresh flowers there. I.....well I was 100 miles away. No literally. I got the hell out of town. I'm not really ready to go back to the cemetery. I just don't feel like she's even there. If I talk to the ground, she's not gonna talk back to me. So I don't feel like I should force myself to go. They don't understand me and they think I'm being selfish. But I have to place my feelings first. I have comforted others to no end....but I don't feel like that's being returned. So I gotta take care of me.

My mom wouldn't have wanted us to sit around and be sad. And I didn't forget (...as folks would like to believe). I choose to remember her in happy ways. I think about her all the time....and I miss her. More than anybody knows. Happy birthday, Mama!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 6 - A Stranger

September 20, 2010

Dear Stranger,

Hello there, nice to meet you. There are many things that you will never know about me just by looking at me. First of all, I just really want you to like me. Above all else, I am always looking for new friends and contacts...like-minded people. I know that I may seem shy and quiet. Maybe a little aloof. I don't really know you, so I have a hard time just putting myself out there. I am really working on expanding my comfort zone, so I hope that you would be patient with me.

I know that I may seem stuck up on the outside, but that is really only because I am kinda shy. I hope that you will want to know me SO much that you take the extra time to be patient with me while I warm up to you.

Love always,

Kat ♥

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 5 - Your Dreams

September 14, 2010

Dear Dreams,

This is my first time writing a letter to something that I couldn't really talk to. So here goes. Over the course of my life, I have had a lot of dreams. You are my 4 constant dreams....or should I say life goals and desires. Sometimes I feel as if some of you are getting farther and farther out of my reach. Others of you seem well within my grasp. So I will address each of you and my plans for you.

To be a licensed attorney: Okay.....me and you have been on a whirlwind journey since August 2005 when I started law school. Law school was struggle that year, but I hung right in there with you. Brought my GPA up from the depths of hell to get out of there with my juris doctor and most of my sanity intact. The bar exam is the only thing keeping me from you. 4 points away from passing on the first try. Ugh! 10 points away the second time....double UGH!!! Next is was the money that was keeping me from you. Then just when I thought I was going to reach out for you again.....the death of my mother placed you on the back burner again. But this February it is going to be me and you.....I hope you are ready!

To be married before the age of 25: The joke is on me for thinking that I could put a time limit on you. I turned 27 last month. No husband. But you and I both know that I have never been closer to you than I am today. When I was 25, I was in a really bad head space with the relationship that I was in. Marraige was not even an option. I am SO thankful for the mental capacity to even know that. My current relationship.....pure gold. If things stay on the same track (and my first dream pans out), I will most likely be making wedding plans in 2011. I have never been with a person where he knows my inner most thoughts, who can look at my face and instantly know how I feel. I think that this is THE ONE. And as many times as we have put off an engagement.....I am truly excited for the day that we officially are.

To be finacially sound: I know that you are best friends with dream #1 up there....so go hang out with him.

To have a greater sense of family: I thought that I had more time to work on you, but it seems as if I have been put on the fast track to make this work. The past 3 months have been.....a whirlwind with losing my mother. I am just now realizing that the relationships that I have with my brother and my dad were really facilitated by her. I don't even know how to go about having real conversations with my dad at this point. This one thing that needs to become more than a dream....NOW!

Love always,
Kat ♥

The Problem With Islamaphobia

September 13, 2010

This past weekend Americans commemorated the 9th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. It is amazing how on that day many emotions arise that make it seem as if the attacks happened only yesterday. I remember the feeling of never wanting to EVER get on plane. I remember looking at every single person that I thought was of Middle Eastern descent with conviction. I thought that they all had something to do with it and my trust of the world was lost. That was 9 years ago, though. I was an 18 year old college freshman.....young and dumb, for lack of better terms. As I grew up and advanced in my knowledge of the world and other cultures, I expected that America would as well. I was dead wrong.

In recent months there has been another surge of Islamaphobia. This is in large part due to the Park51 Islamic community center that is going to be built near Ground Zero. Not only is the center being protested, but mosques and proposed mosques all over the country are being vandalized, fire-bombed and terrorized.....for lack of a better term. What the opposers would have you to believe is that Muslims build mosques on areas that they consider conquered territory.....hence the location near Ground Zero. HUH?! There is a mosque about 5 minutes away from where I live. I highly doubt that any "conquering" happened there. There was a mosque of sorts INSIDE one of the towers. There was also a mosque already in that area that was destroyed when the towers fell. So the idea of Muslims worshipping peacefully there is not out of the norm. What is really killing me out of all this is the blatant racism and ignorance that is being shown by a LOT of people. How a Christian could condone the burning of a holy book of someone else's religion is beyond me.

Lots of Muslims are being looked at with a second glance as if they were planning an attack. As a black person, I just can't get down with that. It is hard enough to live in America and just get by. But add to that mix being a minority and not have a "favored religion?" That has got to be enough to make even a sane person go mad. Common sense and research tells me that Islam is an Abrahamic religion, meaning simply that I can relate to a lot of the teaching of Islam if I am a true Christian. The origins are rooted in the same God. How can you hate something that you know absolutely nothing about?

I don't know any Muslims personally.....but my fast Blogspot friend is Irendi, who is a Muslim. Just reading her blog and the blogs of other Muslims that she follows make me long for the type of devoutness and honesty to their faith that they have. It prompts me to pray for ignorance to be removed from the hearts of all of these misguided people pretending to be Christians.....

Happy Black Girl Day!!!

September 8, 2010

Today I stumbled onto a new "holiday" while I was in the blogosphere. I ran across Sister Toldja's blog and discovered that she created Happy Black Girl Day. It is celebrated every second Wednesday of every month. I'm not too late because this is only the 8th one. But I am glad that I stumbled across it.

Too many times black women have a complex about themselves brought upon by the many statistics that the media places out there about them. (Personally I don't take these things with a grain of salt for I am a hopelessly optimistic person.) Black women are too often too angry. Black women have a slim chance of finding love because the black man is either gay or in jail AND the ones that aren't either are just too dumb. (I'm not making this up.) I think that in today's society that it is hard enough to be a woman....but then to add to that being a black woman......things get a little bit tougher. So many stereotypes to overcome, so many pressures to get over. I wake up and thank God everyday that I was born a black woman. I wouldn't have it any other way. There is something about the inner strength of a black woman that makes me lift my head up high. I wouldn't be here today or be the woman that I am without the strength and courage of a black woman (I love you, Mama...RIP). 

But today is a day to just sit back and take stock that is the beauty that is.....us. Happy Black Girl Day! Thanks to Sistah Toldja for such a wonderful idea.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 4 - Your Sibling

September 2, 2010

(PSA: I know that I have been slacking with these. I am going to do better about them because getting all these feelings out have been therapy.)

Dear Brother,

There have been many times in life that I have wanted to write this exact letter but I always thought that I could just talk to you and you would understand exactly what I was saying. I have learned many times that I am mistaken....so here goes.

First off, I have loved being your older sister. Being 6 years older than you has given me the opportunity to go out there and make a lot of mistakes in life and later be able to tell you how not to do what I did. Somewhere in all of this, you have gotten the idea that I would try to sabotage you in some way. I really do have the best intentions when I give you advice (that you ask for....might I add). It hurts my feelings that you will look at my advice as cray and let people who you KNOW mean you no good lead you into dumb and dangerous situations. You get mad because when you call me later and tell me that you should have listened to me.....I don't really listen anymore. I hate to tell people "I told you so" and I hate talking to brick walls.

I feel as though a healthy brother/sister relationship was stolen from me the moment I turned 14. Both of our parents worked far from home and I had the responsibility of helping to raise you in their absence. Til this day you look at me as more of a parental figure than a sister and that bothers me. Even when they were home, I still had to handle issues going on at school, make sure you had everything done for school....teach you life lessons, lecture you when Mama and Daddy couldn't make you listen. I much as I love them....I think they quit a little bit once I got older. I have to be honest that I feel a little bit of resentment because of that. I just wanted the chance to just be your sister. I still do. But I am going to be as real with you as I am with everyone I deal with. I am NEVER going to hold you up in bullshit....I owe more to you than that. I can't support your self-destructive behavior.....so if that bothers you, you can wash your hands of me. I will still love you.

Your behavior in the weeks leading up to Mama's death.....I can't even begin to explain how hurt I still feel about that. I didn't appreciate you telling everyone that I never did anything for her and that I never came to visit. I hope that made you feel better because it made me feel awful when people were coming at me sideways at the funeral. You know damn well I was there almost everyday those last 2 months.....even when you had every excuse in the world not be while at the same time telling Facebook a different story.

It would be so easy for me to wash my hands of you altogether. That scares me. So I have been trying to work on it. If you want to meet me halfway....I will be waiting. Please grow up soon. You will enjoy 21 better with a little maturity.

Love always,

Kat ♥

Back From Hiatus.....

Sooo.....I took a little bit of a break from blogging. I have been so busy trying to just get my life together that I don't have much energy to blog about it. Well I take that back. I can tweet all day long. But Twitter feeds more into my ADD than a blog does. Sad thing about it is....I write almost everyday. Never hit post. I hate that I do that. Always going to come back in and proof or add or change some things. Rarely do. So I'm gonna do better. Gonna just hit the post button periodically throughout the day. 

I will have a brief confession moment though. I feel sometimes that I struggle to get it together. I had a life goal....a plan of sorts to have the career, the husband, the kids, the lifestyle that I wanted all by the age of 30. Well....I turned 27 last month and I had to come to grips with a lit of things in life. 30 just may come and go and I am going to have to deal with the fact that I am still just working on it. My career....passing the bar exam is still a goal. One that is ever elusive but that I will have licked on the last week of February 2011. I have a good relationship....but no marriage. At least not yet. We aren't ready. Close.....but not yet. So many things that I want to do before then....like have the career on point. Both of us having jobs that don't require a paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. (That's a subject for another day.) So no marriage means no kids. I refuse to compromise on that. Accidents happen....and I am prepared for that. I just do everything to reduce the chance of that happening. Lifestyle....well I gotta stop being broke....so that travels back to #1.

I am by no means complaining.....I just imagined in May 2005 that my life would be so much different than it is now. Reality is much more harsh than a dream.....so I'm dealing with it.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 3 - Your Parents

August 24, 2010

Dear Daddy,

It’s your favorite daughter! Well….it’s your only daughter but I am your favorite. I want to let you know that I love you. I know that I don’t always say it enough, but I do. It is kinda crazy that we as a family have not shown enough emotions towards each other. It’s only takes 21 days to start a new habit, so that is one that I am personally going to do.

I know that are relationship has not been the greatest one in the past. We bumped heads often during my teenage years. I thought that you were way too strict on me. I disagreed with your parenting methods and to this day I stand behind the feelings that I had back then. I know you were just doing your part to make sure that I became a well rounded young lady with goals and dreams. I felt that you could’ve loosened up a little bit. All I wanted in life was a little privacy and the chance to do the things normal teenagers my age did. So I did what normal kids in my situation did. Leave for college and LIVE!!! I did some things that probably would make you cringe….but when it was all said and done, I came back to the things that you and Mama taught me. I finished college. I graduated from law school. I became an independent woman. I can say that all of that is thanks to you and Mama.

Over the past couple of years we have gotten closer and that has made me very glad. I hope that we can grow together and become closer because you are the only Dad I have…..and the only parent I have left.

I love you always,

Daddy’s Little Girl ♥

Case of the Ex

You know how you can go on your merry little way....loving life and doing positive things until the inevitable things happens.....the ex calls/texts your phone and makes you wanna curse. I ended my relationship with said ex in May 2007. Yeah.....it's been that long. Apparently not long enough for him. That was one of the toughest things that I had to do AT THE TIME. We had been in a relationship for 4 years....almost 5 at that point. It was the classic female response: toxic relationship, yet too much time and energy had been invested in the relationship that I didn't know how to let it go. Two very vital things happened to help me let this relationship go. It became a long distance relationship because of law school and I met someone else who, when only a friend, showed me that he was a better man and that I deserved better. (I am still with that guy today. *blushes*)

The breakup process took about 8 months because he moved away and thought that when he got back 3 months later that I would "come to my senses." *side eye* That was the worst breakup that I have ever been through.....so just his voice makes me frown. I decided to something just a little different this time....be friendly. At this point in my life I am in a better place. I took that whole relationship as a lesson learned and I am really so much better for it. You know what I found out? 3 years later, he is the same damn person. He's still a liar (...I mean really, I already heard how you got fired from teaching at that school from 2 different people. Your story is crazy as hell!). He still makes everything all about him (You called and asked about me....how did my mother's death relate to your false job story?). He still tries to shots at my self esteem (although I never let that go on too much anyway). Had to end that conversation before I went off, lol. Every time I think he will disappear.....he texts. I know that my quality of life has greatly improved in his absence. Crazy enough....I think his got worse. Too bad....so sad....

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 2 – Your Crush

August 20, 2010

Dear Steve Smith of the Carolina Panthers,

I have followed your career since 2005 when you were the number one receiver on my first fantasy football team. You helped me to a second place finish in my league and I have been a Panthers fan ever since!! Then I saw you without your helmet on…..SEXY!!! I admire your fighting spirit. I even cheered you on when you broke Ken Lucas' nose (even though he played for my alma mater….he sucked then). Anyway, I hope I get the chance to meet you one day and get your autograph and a picture with you.



P.S. My boyfriend is a Saints fan and I hope you guys tear them a new one this season. GO PANTHERS!

Book Review: Basketball Jones by E. Lynn Harris

August 18, 2010

I love to read books by black authors….let me take that back. I love to read books by black authors with substance. I don’t read Zane or others who write similarly because I can’t find the story line behind all the sex. My favorites are Eric Jerome Dickey, Terry McMillan, BeBe Moore Campbell (RIP). The story lines are complex and the characters make you long to read every word to figure out what happened to them. I hang on to their every word, lol. Every now and then, I have to let another author enter my bookshelf.
I have only read one other E. Lynn Harris book in my life, A Love of My Own. It was a great book. I had always been gun shy about E. Lynn and the reason probably sounds preposterous. I know that he was an openly gay man during his life and that his characters reflect that. I was afraid that I wouldn’t know how to take a graphic gay sex scene unfolding on the page. Silly, I know. A Love of My Own had straight main characters in addition to the gay ones…..so I never got a real feel for it. Basketball Jones changed all that. I am going to say right off that I loved this book. It is only 246 pages long and I read the majority of this book in one day. 
Here are the liner notes: “Aldridge James ‘AJ’ Richardson is living the good life. He has a gorgeous town house in always flavorful New Orleans, plenty of frequent-flier miles from jet-setting around the country on a whim, and an MBA – but he’s never had to work a regular job. He owes it all to his longtime lover, Dray Jones. Dray Jones the rich and famous NBA star. They fell in love in College when AJ was hired to tutor Dray, a freshman on the basketball team. But Dray knew if he wanted to make it to the big time, he must juggle his public image and his private desires. Built on a deep, abiding love, their hidden relationship sustains them both, but when Dray’s teammates begin to ask insinuating questions about AJ, Dray puts their doubts to rest by marrying Judi, a beautiful and ambitious woman. Judi knows nothing about Dray’s “other life.” Or does she? In Basketball Jones, E. Lynn Harris explores the consequences of loving someone who is forced to conform to the rules society demands of its public heroes. Filled with nonstop twists and turns, it will keep readers riveted from the first page to the last.
This book has all the elements of a good read. Mystery, blackmail, lover’s triangles, betrayal…..DRAMA! Once I really got going, I could not put it down!! It did teach me one valuable thing: regardless of sexuality, we all love the same. We fall hard and deep (no pun intended, seriously). I can could a lot of myself in the main character even though it was about the unrequited love between two men. I highly recommend it!
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