30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

October 25, 2010

(NOTE: For reasons that many people who follow my blog are already aware of, I have put off writing this letter for almost a week. So now it is time to actually get these feelings out so that I can move forward with this already too long 30 day challenge, lol.)

Dear Mama,

It's been a little over 4 months since you passed away. What I can I say? Things are definitely different now that you are gone. It's amazing how I never really paid attention to how intertwined you were into my life. I guees that's because I took for granted that you would always be here.

I remember like it was yesterday when you got diagnosed ....summer 2007. I remember that you went to go get some testing done and they found a mass in your lung. I just wanted to go to every appointment to keep you calm and make sure you weren't freaking out. You found out definitely that it was cancer 2 days before my 24th birthday. You didn't tell me because I was in Atlanta celebrating and partying for a week. IN FACT...you lied and told me you were fine until the moment I touched back down in Mississippi. I couldn't be mad at that. That was always your way....keeping me anything that could be considered as bad news.  A lot of people talk about how angry they are when someone close to them dies. I haven't reached that stage of grief yet....and I'm not sure if I will. I had time to try to wrap my mind around this thing before it happened (though I know now that nothing could have prepared me for the way that I feel). We had great conversations and laughed all the way to the end.

I just miss you. It just sucks to be left in a family full of guys (you know I love them.....but hell you know your son and husband). I just miss hearing your voice and calling you. I realized that I wouldn't make a major move until I talked to you first. Now I'm coming up on a season of nothign but MAJOR moves....and I feel kinda lost because I feel as if I need you here to just through it with me. It is damnest times where I miss you the most. Monday Night Football. Work issues. Real Housewives of Atlanta (...who else can I call fifty-leven times in one episode to talk about those stupid hoes, lol). *sighs* Who's going to help me plan my wedding? Who's going to help me to be as good of a mother to my child as you are to me? Those are the things that run through my mind all the time.

All I want to do is make you proud. That is thing that I am striving for now. As much as it is important, for God to say "well done" at the end of my life's journey....I want to hear it from you too. I love you. I will always miss you.  Keep me a spot warm up there....you know I'm working to be able to take it.

Love always,
Kat ♥

My Alli Plan: Week 3

Weight Loss Challenge Week 3

Starting Weight: 190 lbs.
Last Week's Weigh In: 191 lbs
Current Weight: 189 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: -2 lbs.
Target Weight Loss: 5% of total weight (180 lbs.)
Goal Weight: 140 lbs.
Calorie Target: 1800 cal./day
Fat Gram Target: 19g/meal

Yay!!! I lost two pounds this week. Now that works. I was a little depressed last week that I gained a pound....but it was the swift kick in the ass that I needed to get up and start moving. Literally. So I started running last Tuesday. Well....mostly jogging. I have never really been a fan of running, but the boo lost hella weight over one summer just by running. I ran Tuesday, Wednesday, and Saturday. This morning I added Hip Hop Abs into the mix. That was VERY tiring....but it was so much fun!!! I have got a plan to run Monday, Wednesday, Friday & Saturday. Then I am gonna do workout videos on the off days. Excited!!!

New Age Dating Issues.....or Why I'm Glad I'm Not Single

October 23, 2010

The name of the above video is called "Black Dating in a Hip Hop Society." I found this video while I was peeping around on Tumblr. I must say a HUGE thank you to eyedlethoughts for posting this. It truly made my day.

On to the matter at hand. While this video/cartoon was funny as hell to me, it does highlight something that is very real in the black community. Though I may be crucified for this, I am going to be VERY real in this moment. Here goes: SOME BLACK WOMEN GIVE US ALL A BAD RAP WITH THE DECISIONS THEY MAKE WHILE DATING!! *whew* It's out there now. (Who gone check me, boo?)

So this video/cartoon starts off with a woman and her boyfriend. He is trying to take her out. After making excuses, she tells him that she is living a lie and doesn't want to date him anymore. This is the following exchange:

Girl: I need a boss, I need a baller, I need a man like Lil' Wayne.

Dude:Yea...I don't have a lot of money, but I am in graduate school trying to improve my life so that I can improve yours.
She goes into great detail on how she needs and deserves Gucci bags and diamonds and how she can't be with him because he doesn't give her that. Towards the end of the video, the guy tells her that he is glad that he sees her true colors because he was going to propose that night and he just won the lottery. At this point, she tries to turn it around on him....telling him he must be cheating since he doesn't want to fight her and begging him not to leave.

Today, women are always talking about how there are no good men left. In actuality, I wonder how many men think the same way. People in general, not just women, are not willing to work and grind for the things that they need. They want someone else to do the work so that they can ride their coattails. So this video makes sense to me, no matter how sad the effects. Hip hop videos give the fantasy that some rapper/singer with lots of money is gonna scoop you up from your job at MickeyDs, tell you he has money to blow and you can throw it in the bag because you can have whatever you like. There are so many of those videos out there that I believe young girls actually are waiting for somebody to "save" them and buy them lots of high end trinkets.

I, personally, want Coach bags, Louboutins, diamonds, and fast cars. Isn't every woman's dream to have really nice things? My goal to get these things is/was very simple:  go to college, graduate, get accepted to law school, graduate, pass the bar exam......wait til the money starts pouring in. I want to get these for myself! I don't want to be a Twitter trending topic to get nice things (i.e., #hoesfuckingfor Louis bags). Many times great men are passed over for the dumbest things. I would take a man any day that is going to school with a good work ethic and life plan who is currently broke over a man making fast money who isn't guaranteed to buy me the same things 6 months from now because he might be in jail. I have a lot of male friends who are actively weeding out the women who just want to benefit from their hard work. They recognize within 2 weeks when a woman wants them or just wants what they have. The ones out there trying to see how much they can get are put on the booty call list and are treated like crap.....immediately. Not going to let men totally off the hook though. There wouldn't be nearly as many of these women out there had it not been for SOME men out there trying to buy love and pussy. Yea.....I said it.

I was always taught that you get out of ever relationship the same thing that you put into it. In the words of Lyfe Jennings, "be the person you want to find, don't be a nickel out here looking for a dime." (more hip hop for you...) Instead of looking for a man to come and save you, save yourself first. Get out there to make things happen for yourself and I guarantee you will soon find a man willing to shower you with everything you ever wanted......if you even still WANT a man when that happens.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to

October 20, 2010

Dear CL,

How have you been, girl?! It has been a moment since we have spoken. I have to say that out of all my girl friends, you have to be my bestie. We have helped each other to keep our sanity all throughout undergrad. When we were here together, there were good times all around. Late night drinking sessions, clubbing, phone convos blasting our men at the time for the wrong that they have done, "pizza and porn" Fridays with the crew (please don't ask lol)......the spice of life for young college girls. You moved to Massachusetts to start law school about 2 years ago. I was so proud!! We always had that dream together and I was happy to assist in any way possible since I was on my way out on your way in.

Then the unthinkable happened.......we fell off. We are rekindling our friendship little by little but I really miss how we used to be. We dated and fell in love with two guys who were roommates. Who woulda thunk it? When your relationship ended, I felt so bad that I had developed such a great friendship with your ex. I didn't want to be in the middle of the drama. I know that this is what caused the rift in between us because I didn't want to get involved.....for the second time. I am glad that we have finally cleared that up so that we can finally move on. You are a very valuable friend to me. In fact.....I'm texting you right now. Can't wait until you head back to the South next year!

Love you lots!

♥ Kat

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet

October 19, 2010

Dear Auntie,

I know this blog post is supposed to be dedicated to someone that you wish that you could meet....and I have already met you....but I don't remember. You died when I was 2 years old. Mama always spoke highly of you and how much that you cared for me the moment that I was born. She said that you always talked about how I was your favorite niece. I wish that I could remember you. I don't really get along with a lot of people on Dad's side of the family. To at least have one person that I feel close to on that side of my DNA would have been nice. How close would we have been? What kinds of things would we have done together? I am grateful to know that you were a big part of my early life.


♥ Kat

Getting to Healthy

Weight Loss Challenge Week 2
Starting Weight: 190 lbs.
Current Weight: 191 lbs.
Total Weight Loss: +1 (ouch!)
Target Weight Loss: 5% of total weight (180 lbs.)
Goal Weight: 140 lbs.
Calorie Target: 1800 cal./day
Fat Gram Target: 19g/meal

So this is the beginning of Week 2 on Alli. I gained a pound....ouch! I will say that this has every thing to do with me taking the pill, skipping breafast, going over my fat targets on dinner and barely exercising. So there I can admit it. It only took me to gain a pound to realize that I really needed to change. The first week I did really well. Then I went to the Mississippi State Fair. It was all downhill from there, lol. I ate funnel cakes, turkey legs, chicken-on-a-stick.....yea I overdid it. But the fair only comes once a year so I am over that. I hope to exercise a little more self-restraint over the holiday season....or at least lose some weight by then that I will feel so fabulous and not really care.

So I began my real quest this morning. I always PLAN to do something but never get into the action part of it. I woke up right before the sun came up and went the park and just walked and ran it out. Mostly walked, but hey...I'm moving right. I broke a sweat and felt the burn so I feel good about the workout. Came home and ate breakfast. I NEVER eat breakfast so this worked. I plan to do this everyday....except maybe Sunday because even God got rest on the 7th day, lol. I am also looking into taking Zumba classes. They are becoming really popular here now. At $5 a class, I could get into that. Beats the hell out of where that $5 normally goes (chicken flatbread sandwich, nachos, and a Mountain Dew Baja Blast from Taco Bell). So pray for me....I'm going all in this time.

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 8 - Your Favorite Internet Friend

October 13, 2010

Dear Twitter/Facebook/LiveJournal Friend,

I feel as though I know you in REAL life. I have know you since high school when I was first introduced into the world of blogging. I never knew that I could connect with someone that I have never met in person and that lives over 16 hours away from me. Reading your thoughts, blogs, and now your tweets I feel as though we could have been sisters! We have been through so much together: deaths, births, graduations, new boyfriends, new careers, lol. As much as we travel, why haven't we met?! Anyway you would be the perfect gal pal if you were closer and I hope that this meeting of the minds continues long into the future.

Love always,
Kat ♥

30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 7 - Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush

October 12, 2010

(PSA: I had to debate about which one I was going to write this letter to. Because Day 20 focuses on the person who broke your heart the most….had to go with another choice, lol)

Dear Ex-Fiancé,

It is amazing how fast time flies. It has been 8 years since the last time we have seen each other. I remember it like it was yesterday, Spring Break 2002. At that point in time I never would have though that it would have been the last time that I would ever see you. We were in a long distance relationship at that time…..I was a freshman at Ole Miss, you were working in Shreveport. Our paths just never joined back up.

You were my first "grown-up" relationship. You taught me so much about myself. I learned how much of myself I was willing to sacrifice for a relationship. I realized that being engaged was overrated for an 18 year old dropped in sea of cute, educated black men. I learned that I was going to grow up on my own calendar and not when you wanted me to. I thought that being in a relationship with someone that was 8 years older was okay since I was "mature" for my age. You were at the point in life where you were ready to get married and settle down. I was just really beginning to live. The way that it ended…..I really apologize for that. Although I found out later that you were cheating on me, I still feel that I could have handled it a lot better. I met someone else (the subject of Day 20's letter). You weren't acting right. I FedEx'ed your ring back to you and started living. I resented the fact that I didn't have a normal freshman year trying to not to make you feel insecure. I was WAY too young for you and I am so sorry if I wasted any of your time.

Every now and then I think about you and send you a text to see if you are still alive. We even just started back talking on the phone. Our conversations make me smile because I realize that I made the right decision. You got that family that you always wanted. I'm sorry that you and your wife don't always see eye to eye. I pray that your health returns and that you get that transplant because you are still dear to me. Although I hate rehashing the events of 8 years ago….it is nice to hear from you from time to time.
Love always,
Kat ♥

Blog Vacation!

Soooo......sometimes I am horrible with blogging. I have to be the only person that can turn a 30 day blog challenge into 3 months. Starting tonight I am going to blog EVERYDAY!!!! And call me on it, okay!

My Weight Loss Journey

October 5, 2010

Today I did it. I started my new diet. Yea, I know. Women are always trying to lose weight for some reason or another. This one is way more than for aestethics. I am 5'1". I weigh 190 pounds. I am WAY too short to weight that much. I looked on one of those magical charts that they have in doctors' offices and it said that I should probably weigh around 127. What?! I haven't weighed that since high school.....that was 9 years ago. I gained about 10 pounds since June. Yea....that weight correlates with the my mother's death. So now it's turnaround time. As much as I love and miss my mother....I don't want to see her NO TIME SOON. So operation lose 50 pounds has started today. I have purchased Alli and have gotten a weight loss action plan and everything. I am focus. My plan is for 6 months, so I am really excited as to how this is going to work out. I can see myself now......fine as hell for the Supreme Court swearing in ceremony in April. The only thing stopping me is me. So here goes!

Spiritual Confessions

October 3, 2010

I have been searching for something. You know what it feels like to be looking for something....never knowing what it is. I am at a crossroads with my spiritual life. For years, it has been based on everything and everyone around me. Today I draw the line in the sand. I have to do this on my own. 

Religion and spirituality in the black community has always been something that has made me sit up and take notice. In my opinion, it lacks genuineness. This is based not only on my own experiences, but also the experiences of friends and family members. Here are my reasons below:

#1: There is an almost bullying into Christianity.

Most black people start going to church right out of the womb. Somewhere around age 9, there is a subtle pushing towards joining the church. By age 13, you will be reminded nearly everyday that you are not a member of Hold My Mule While I Shout Missionary Baptist AME Zion Church. In my hometown, our local paper publishes a bio of every high school graduate. It contains awards and accomplishments of the graduating senior, where they plan to go to college, parents' names….and what church they are a member of. At 17 I had still not been baptized (I know….the horror!) My mother pushed me for a whole year to join my home church so that there will be something to say about it in the paper. Ummm….what?! It was then that I realized joining the church is more like a social stage of life, a coming out party of sorts where you present yourself to the world as a Christian. I take my faith a little more seriously than that. There is a problem when you force young people into accepting Christ at an age when they don't really know what all that entails. You end up with a generation of adults that think just because they got dipped in water, they are free and clear with the Lord. I don't subscribe to that kind of behavior. I know that there are some people that accept Christ early and lead the life that they are supposed to. But often times….youth and the process of growing up overshadows your faith unless you have more guidance than "join the church!"

#2: There is more preacher worship than worship of the Lord.

With the ongoing drama of Bishop Eddie Long, this seems to speak for itself. The black community always jokes and laughs at the practices of Catholics. Saying we don't need a Pope to get to the Lord. BUT what they fail to realize is the worship of the preacher/pastor is nearly the same thing. People seem to move from church to church following a pastor. They take everything that the man says as law....hanging on to his every word without getting to know the Word and God for themselves. That is why there is a legion of 25,000 people in Atlanta that feel extra lost right now. (Okay….I recognize that there are members of New Birth that are not drinking the kool-aid) A spiritual walk with God consists of you and God….that's all. A pastor is your spiritual guide along the way. Nothing about that man is supposed to get in the way of you and your spiritual walk. This is a concern that I have about my dad. He is focused so much on the relationship with the man that he can't see why I won't blindly follow our preacher. This man baptized me and that I am grateful for. But it seems that over the past 2 years, the focus has become more of getting people to join his church rather than strengthening the flock he has. (See point #1)

#3: There is not enough open dialogue and discussion of the Bible and the faith.

The mantra of every church is that coming to Sunday morning regular service is not enough. Everyone should come to Wednesday night bible study and Sunday church school in order to get the meat and potatoes of our faith. This makes a lot of sense. The sermon is good for the spirit, but there is only so much that can be placed into a sermon Sunday in and Sunday out. The problem with this, in my experience, is that a lot of preachers and Sunday school teachers want to spoon feed their members their own interpretation of the Bible. If you ask a question, folks get upset. If you offer a different thought than the one that they have given you, people get fighting mad. The only ONE interpretation of the Bible….which comes from God. If I ask a question, I am not challenging you or telling you that you are wrong. I am just trying to gain a better understanding. Going to school in any other situation, I am challenged to ask questions and use my mind to gain a better understanding of the material that we happen to be going over. Why not in church? Some older people in the church want to be the authority of what is going on in the Bible. They don't want you to think for yourself and want you to just accept that it is that way because they say so. I have been taught not to do that in secular life and I REFUSE to do that in church.

#4: There is not enough innovativeness in the teachings of the Lord.

Another argument is that the youth of the church are bringing too much of the world into the church. They feel as though the way that the church is done is fine and no one should change it. I disagree. There is an allure of the streets for the youth today. There is almost nothing that attracts youth to the church. You have to be willing to evolve in order to bring more souls to Christ. That is the ultimate goal of Christianity, right? I say, if there is something out there that you can do to bring the youth inside the church, you should by all means do it. (As long as it is within the Word) My dad, who is a deacon, hates gospel rap and praise dancing/drill teams. Says that it has no place in the church. He doesn't like Mary Mary because they sound too much like R&B and you can't really tell that they are praising the Lord. I, personally, am not a fan of gospel rap. Not for the same reasons that my dad is not. I feel that rap is an art form and an expression of creativity. Most gospel rappers are just not talented. If there was a young Jay-Z or Common that spit lyrics for Jesus, I would be all over that. I took a real offense to the dislike of Mary Mary. Music ministry is very important to me. A lot of their songs move my spirit. I think that their gospel music shows where we are in music and in faith. I love other more standard gospel artists, but I hold them dear. Saying that they sound too much like R&B is a stupid argument. My dad has a favorite gospel CD that I can't really tell is gospel. I literally feel as if someone has dropped me in the middle of a juke joint. So it was okay for your generation to make gospel music sound more like what you listened to secularly, but it is not okay for me?

All of these things have led me to the conclusion that I am just going to work on my personal relationship with God and not worry about being a member of a particular church for the time being. I am not going to stop going to church altogether….just put the focus where it belong. On God.
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