Daddy Issues Much?

June 20, 2011

Graduation 2005. Crazy how I don't have a picture with me and my dad alone. 
Yesterday was Father's Day. Due to the busyness of the day, I wasn't able to post like I wanted to. What I was able to do was check into Facebook and Twitter periodically.  Why did I do that? From the moment I woke up, (yea….I check Twitter as soon as I roll over and reach for my phone) I saw all manner of fuckery a timeline filled with daddy issues. Instead of "Happy Father's Day" tweets, I saw single mothers demanding to be congratulated on that day. I saw people man bashing. I saw deadbeat dad tweets. The trending topic #ilovemydadeventhough made a brief reappearance. WTH?

I applaud single mothers. I think that they are wonderful for doing everything that need to do to raise children on their own. HOWEVER Father's Day doesn't have anything to do with them. Mother's Day was last month. Take Father's Day as a way to remember your dad if he was around or to pay tribute to a father figure. Don't man bash. Don't emasculate. Hell wish your friend that IS a good dad well wishes. All this bitterness has to stop. Who you have sex with is 100% under your control. Truth be told, that man showed all the deadbeat signs BEFORE he got you pregnant. It's done now though. Love your children and leave the bitterness alone. It doesn’t help them out in the least. And if your father wasn't around….look at this as the perfect opportunity to make sure that doesn't become a generational curse. *steps off soapbox*

Now I have a documented issue with my dad right now……but he's still my dad. He's not perfect, but he was always there and I'm sure that he's doing the best he knows how. I've always been a Daddy's girl. So I wouldn’t let anything take away from HIS holiday. I let the issues rest for the day and paid tribute to him. I got up and took him a card after church. Also went to eat lunch with him and F.S.M. (Now honestly folks….I was doing the most today because all of this was EXTRA. He got one. Not doing it again unless someone else initiates it.) It actually was a decent day. No drama at all….and that works for me. 

Interview Time!

June 17, 2011

Yesterday I had a job interview!!! This is awesomeness for me because being unemployed has been working my LAST nerve. It's a state government job located in Hattiesburg, MS. (If you are reading this, can you please insert me getting this job into your prayers? I will greatly appreciate it!) It's not legal, but it is something that I can definitely be fulfilled in while I get my financial life in order to save up to take the Louisiana Bar Exam. And the pay is more than I have ever made in life, so no complaints there.

I always get really nervous for interviews. I always worry about saying the right things or answering the questions correctly or making the best impression. This time I practiced. And by practiced, I mean thoroughly rehearsed the answers to commonly asked interview questions. I have logged many man hours on looking at articles on interview prep. I walked in there ready. And then they asked me questions that I had no idea how to answer, lol. It amazes me how quick I can think on the fly and how believable it sounds coming out of my mouth! It was also the wrong time to notice how much I say "umm" when I'm stuck…..but hopefully they looked past that. I got some smiles and had good conversations with the two interviewers so hopefully I did well. I won't know anything until the end of the month at the earliest. So here's hoping.

Boo Thang went with me to Hattiesburg. That I am SO thankful for. He helped me drive the 5 hours down there….which is always a plus. I hate long distance driving. He was always a help to keep me calm. He knows how rattled I get and he jumped in like Superman, like he always does.  After the interview was over, we went on a sightseeing tour of Hattiesburg. I had never been to Hattiesburg. I've always been THROUGH Hattiesburg to get to the Coast. Had no real reason to stop there til now. He used to date a girl that went to Southern Miss, so he showed me around. We went mall hopping and apartment looking (by this I mean driving by apartment complexes because I refuse to actually look yet). End result: I have fallen in love with the city of Hattiesburg. I would give a lot to live and work there. I hope that I get this job. 

A Letter To My Mother

June 15, 2011

Dear Mama,

Today marks a whole year since you left here. It's amazing that it's been that long. Actually it's probably been the shortest year of my life. I didn't think that I would ever get used to you not being here. My faith really is getting me through. It gets a little easier everyday. I still miss your presence. The thousand phone calls a day while watching the same TV shows. The laughter and the fun. You taught me so much about life and for that I'm thankful. It's really getting put to use now. I think you would be so proud of me. I'm not exactly where I need to be, but I know you would approve of the work ethic.

I think about the days ahead and I get a little sad. I think about all the things that you are gonna miss, all the things I still need guidance for. Wedding, babies...all those milestones. It's scary to know that I will be doing that without you. But I know you'll be there in spirit. You are loved and truly missed.

Love always,

Grin And Bear It?

June 13, 2011

My dad is getting remarried on July 2nd.

I have known this little tidbit of information since April, but in my mind I just thought that it wasn't going to happen. I have no problem with my dad dating. I could tell that he was getting lonely. Who could blame him? If I were married to someone for 28 years and they died, I would have an issue with loneliness myself. So when he met F.S.M. (future stepmother) back in January, I said go forth and prosper. My baby brother (total mama's boy) pitched the biggest fit about them even dating. He didn't like it, didn't stand for it. I had to log what seemed like hundreds of man hours on the phone with him to get him to realize that Daddy dating is probably a good thing. My brother was stuck on the fact that Mama hadn't even been gone but 7 months.  They had been dating a month before I met her. It was a casual meeting in Walmart of all places. You can't really tell a lot about a person in 30 minutes or so. What I did see was that she had him smiling, laughing, and giggling like a young person (which if you my dad….is strange in itself). So she was okay with me for the most part. My brother, however, was not accepting her AT ALL.

Fast forward to April. My dad and I are riding in my car to Grenada on a Spain's run (All North Mississippians know about the discount meat, lol). My feelings toward my dad at that moment were very soft and fragile. Since my dad had been dating, I haven't seen or heard from him very much. Calls to him left unanswered, text messages where voices used to be. I wanted to use that time to tell him how much I missed him and figure out what the hell was going on. Then we passed by this building and he announces, "that's the building where me and F.S.M.'s reception is going to be. Did I tell you I was getting married?" HELL NO YOU DIDN'T TELL ME AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DIDN'T!!! That was my inside reaction. So my response was, "wow really? When?" To which he replied, "July 2nd. We've been engaged since February." SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. It didn't make any sense to me. The first anniversary of my mom's death is June 15 and you mean to tell me you are ready to get married less than a month after that? But what I said was, "why so soon?" The reaction that I got from him was "because I'm grown and I don't need to be with someone 5 years to know whether or not I want to be with them!" Wow, Daddy. An overreaction and a knock to my life all in the same blow (he was off because me and Boo Thang have only been together 4 years, but whatever). I didn't like it then, but I said my congratulations. I told him that we all needed to get together with F.S.M. because I don't even know her and she's about to become a part of my family. I hadn't even seen her since we met the first time in January.

Two weeks passed until we got together for dinner. I brought Boo Thang for reinforcements. He knows when I am about to go off before I do, so he works perfectly in what could be heated discussions. F.S.M. was upset that I even asked why they were rushing. She told me that the reason I hadn't spent time with her was my fault and so was the relationship with my dad. Pump your brakes, bitch I don't even know! I told her I didn't have anything against her I just didn't know her and she was marrying my dad. Obviously this put me off. My dad was silent listening to me and her dialogue…..looking sad, not saying a word. Needless to say, I have only heard my dad's voice twice since then. Yea, I know it's June.

Yesterday would have been my mom and dad's 29th wedding anniversary. Talked to my dad and he was torn up about it. Does that sound like a man ready to get married in less than a month to you? Me either. I didn't say anything about it when we talked, but I feel like I must say something soon. As for F.S.M……no attempts to get to know me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but she is supposed to come to me. She's trying to get in my family, NOT vice versa. My brother is in the wedding. No one asked me to even participate, though my dad really wants me to be there. I feel like I am being shut out and don't really know why. I guess I should just grin and bear it, but how?

HELP!!! Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Am I really doing something wrong?

A New Beginning....

June 5, 2011

Today is the First Sunday of the month. The church sermon today was about getting back on track and doing a revival. I know that the pastor was referring to a spiritual revival, but I know that there are so many more aspects to life that folks need to revive. My mind went to wandering about where I am and how I may be falling short. I figure there is no time better than this day to do some self reevaluations and get some things back on track. To do this, I had to look back on my list of goals for the year that I made on New Year's Day. While this hasn't been a complete fail, I am a little off where I want to be. I have been making some steps but I love to push myself to near perfection. So here's where I stand….

Goal #1: The first task was the pass the MS bar exam…..which I failed. I was exactly 6 points away from passing. I just don't get it. I come SO close to be able to reach out and grab it and can't get to it. 

Goal #2: Still haven't got that job yet…..but I have an interview for a great job lined up. Not necessarily in my career path….but it will pay the bills until I get there.

Goal #3: As far as my weight loss goes….I have gained and lost the same 6 pounds since the beginning of the year. Even though I want to lose weight, I have not been motivated enough to actually do something about it for more than 2 weeks at a time.

Goal #4: This is one I am blowing out of the water!! I am reading more than I have been over the past 4 years. I have started a Goodreads book reading challenge and have pledged to read 25 books over the course of this year. I'm 5 down and almost finished with the 6th! Yay!

Goal #5: I am slowly but surely beginning to blog more. This is a challenge because I get intimidated by other people out there. I am starting to find my own voice though….

Goal #6: *sighs* I am not attending church regularly. BUT I have been watching church regularly on Ustream. So I am, by my own standards, making strides. The upside of watching this church on Ustream is that I will be actually setting foot in the doors regularly really soon…..which brings me to…..

Goal #7: I am going to be moving away from Oxford in 2 months!!!!! Whether or not I have a job by the end of my lease, I am going to be moving to the Jackson Metro area. Now if certain job opportunities open up….I will be moving elsewhere. But the time in Oxford is coming to an end.

Now 3 and a possible out of 7 isn't bad….but I need to get in gear NOW. So this is the updated list for the rest of the year.

Find a job. No way around it. Just has to happen.
Start studying for the Tennessee and Louisiana bar exams. I really feel like that this is a sign that Mississippi is not my final resting place. It's time to get moving. I thought that I could only take the Mississippi bar 3 times but after this fail attempt, they sent me the paperwork for a retest. I don't know if I want to go through this with the state of Mississippi again. I will try for reciprocity later in life if I want to come home and practice.
Lose this weight. It's really getting ridiculous now. I saw a recent picture of myself that made me ask "what happened?" I am starting to have big girl issues….and I am afraid, lol. Tomorrow is the day. No excuses. Just got to get moving.
Continue in my walk with God. It's one of the few things that is giving me life right now. For the first time in a long time, I am excited about my faith.

How are doing with your New Year's resolutions? Are you keeping up or falling short?

Vacation Into Motivation

June 3, 2011

Today is my first day back at home from a 2 week vacation with Boo Thang to visit his family. His little sister and cousin who he considers a little brother graduated from high school. Since their graduations were a week apart, we just decided to stay down there until they both were finished. I love visiting his family. They have the family relationships that I wish I had growing up. It's always fun. But I must say that I am happy to be back home with my TV, computer, internet access and the ability to sit on my ass if I so desire, lol.

That two weeks was the biggest test run. In two months, I am probably going to be following my boyfriend home. Job opportunities in this little corner of North Mississippi are…..well non-existent. Especially with the money that I need to make. (Yes, need…'s hard to settle when you have almost $100K in student loan debt) His mom is totally cool with me staying down there until I get on my feet. She actually has been trying to get me to move down there without him since I got laid off exactly a year ago. So while I was there I did a lot of networking and job applications and inquiries…..and lucked up on a job interview in two weeks. YAY!!!! This is my first job interview in a YEAR!!!  This really boosted my confidence a whole lot. It will make me feel good to start making substantial money again. Then I can start saving up for bar fees and start that race over again.

This turned into Boo Thang wanting to go apartment hunting. He's really not trying to live with his mom for any long stretches of time. He is in super saver mode already, lol. I can understand that. I have lived on my own since I was 22. And we have lived together pretty sufficient since 2009. Hopefully this doesn't strain our relationship any. I think that the power moves that we made while we were down there was something that we both needed. A change of scenery is something that we both need. Keep us in your prayers!
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