I (Don't Want To) Miss My Mom

April 1, 2010

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." - Washington Irving

For almost 3 years now, my mom has been fighting lung cancer. They caught it pretty early back in the summer of 2007 (will never forget it because I was in Atlanta when I found out). It went into remission and after about a year, it came back. This time with a vengeance.

My mom and I have always been really close. I have heard that this is very odd for a girl to be as close as I am with my mother....but that it how it is. Or was. Seems like the longer we go without remission, the more my mother pulls away from me. We used to talk every day up until the beginning of this year. Now days go by without real conversation. I call her and she doesn't want to talk. She NEVER calls me. My has me working all sorts of crazy shifts, so time goes by before I can see her. When I do, she seems uninterested. It makes me sad to think that I might lose her because she keeps talking about how the chemo just makes her really tired. It may sound very selfish of me, but I need her to be here. I haven't gotten married or had my first child. I pray about it a lot. But I don't want to miss my mom.....


Irendi said...

I wish I knew the words to say to let you know that it will be alright, but the truth is that no matter what ANYONE tells you, you'll have to go through it to know.

My mom has been fighting a similar battle for the last 8 years of my life. I think she dies a little more each day to be honest. A part of me will die when she is gone, but I will forever remember and retain the strength she's given me.

I am sure that your mom loves you so much! In a way, I suppose she is trying to teach you how to live without her. I believe that some people are acutely aware of their time left in this world. Continue to show her you care and that you love her.

Abe said...

Kat. I am so sorry. You have to be the one to make the effort to talk to your mom. Do not let her withdraw herself. My mother went through the same thing. I can tell you that at times it seemed awkward having to find topics to discuss without getting into an argument, or just being in a weird place. Sometimes we can pre-grieve and in essence we are beating ourselves up before there is a reason to. I am going to pray for you and I will have to give you a call.

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