Wedding Bells Are Ringing.....But The Music Sounds Awful

I will be 27 in August. I'm not married and I don't have any kids. However a hell of a lot of my close friends and associates are engaged, just got married, have babies, are due any day now.....you get the picture. You know what they say about us women. Our biological clock starts ticking and we go to itching to get married and pop out a few babies. I am not going to lie. Every time I see a baby, I melt, get googly eyes and say to my boyfriend, "I want one!" It's wedding season now and this year (like every year before) I have begun watching WE, The Style Network, and TLC....with all of its Bridezillas, Platinum Weddings, Whose Wedding Is Anyway, and Say Yes To The Dress propaganda programming. I look at every thing wedding related on the internet (everything except engagement rings....I think my guy should pick that all by himself. I would love anything he picked out. EXCEPT 3 stone engagement rings.....been engaged with one of those before. I'll pass.)

So am I jumping at the bit to get married. NO! This is why in a nutshell.

From 2007 to 2009, I went 5 weddings. Out of those 5 couples, only 2 are still happily married. 1 is already divorced. Another is filing for divorce very soon and the third one was headed for divorce but they are unhappily trying to make it work though it's painfully obvious that they shouldn't be together (we all knew that on the wedding day....that's why none of the groom's friends and extended family came). That doesn't sound like a good statistic. It doesn't necessarily deter me from getting married, but it does make me take a step back and evaluate my long-term decisions in love. When I get married, I only want to do it one time. ONCE. I want it to be forever...like those old people who are married for 75 years and stuff. So I want my and my boyfriend to take our time. Make sure that that is the direction that we are headed before we jump the broom into a mistake.

All signs point to a great union though. We have been living together for almost a year. (I know this may be morally wrong, but after growing up with my parents I think that this is important. I know that they love each other.....but they didn't seem to like each other very much. I want to avoid that as much as possible. God knows my heart.) We have our ups and downs just like anybody else. But he is my soul mate. We read each others minds, finish each others sentences. We've been together 3 years and I still get excited to get off work and go home to see him. Sappy, isn't it. He proposed to me a little over a year ago. (No ring....just a promise....so not official) He tells me at least once a week about how he really needs to get this ring so we can just do it already. (*blushes*) I tell him all the time that I love where we are. We both know that making the jump right now would be short of crazy because love doesn't pay the bills, lol. We are maybe a year away from our career goals. Once real money starts coming in from me at least....I will say yes 1000 times. But for now....I'll leave the wedding bells for those brave enough.

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Happy 4/20!

That is all! Puff, puff....

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The Joys of Work

Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. - Kahlil Gibran

Of course the title is pure sarcasm. To be perfectly honest.....I HATE MY JOB. That is exactly what it is, a job and not a career. I wake up every morning and sit at my desk and think..."I went to law school for 3 years for this?!" I work in collections. And although this might be a lucrative time in our nation's history to have that job, it sucks monkey balls.

I try not to get discouraged but this is a constant reminder that I have not yet passed the bar. But I got to do what I got to do to pay the bills until July when I take that test head on. But everything is wrong with this job except the paycheck....and even that can leave a little to be desired, lol. I have come to the realization that this had to happen. Success for me has always come relatively easy. I worked hard for everything, don't get me wrong....but I have had few struggles along the way. Talk about trials and tribulations.....my life hasn't been the same since September 2008 when I found out I didn't pass. It hasn't been all downhill.....but I have been going through some real character building situations since then. We'll see how it plays out.....

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I (Don't Want To) Miss My Mom

"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials, heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine, desert us when troubles thicken around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts." - Washington Irving

For almost 3 years now, my mom has been fighting lung cancer. They caught it pretty early back in the summer of 2007 (will never forget it because I was in Atlanta when I found out). It went into remission and after about a year, it came back. This time with a vengeance.

My mom and I have always been really close. I have heard that this is very odd for a girl to be as close as I am with my mother....but that it how it is. Or was. Seems like the longer we go without remission, the more my mother pulls away from me. We used to talk every day up until the beginning of this year. Now days go by without real conversation. I call her and she doesn't want to talk. She NEVER calls me. My has me working all sorts of crazy shifts, so time goes by before I can see her. When I do, she seems uninterested. It makes me sad to think that I might lose her because she keeps talking about how the chemo just makes her really tired. It may sound very selfish of me, but I need her to be here. I haven't gotten married or had my first child. I pray about it a lot. But I don't want to miss my mom.....

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