Saluting My Mother (9/26/58 - 6/15/10)

This is a blog post that I never wanted to write. I have started this post over and over again...never to finish, never to post. My mother, Barbara, passed away in the wee hours of the morning on June 15, 2010....3 days after her and my dad's 28th wedding anniversary. It's been almost a month since she has been gone and my life has been surreal ever since. I write this post as a form of healing, since I have not spoken in great detail to too many people about the events of the past 2 months.

Mother's Day weekend 2010....I went to visit my parents all weekend. It was first time I had spent extended time at home since Christmas. Work schedule was extra crazy so I was just happy to be able to go home. My mom was really depressed that whole weekend. She was so weak that she had not been able to go to church. She had lost the use of her right arm. She was talking about her upcoming doctor's appointment to see what they could do about that. I just remember feeling sad because she slept almost the whole time I was there. Was just confused because she never wanted to talk to me on the phone and wasn't really up to spending time with me while I was home. The very next Sunday I get a call in the wee hours of the morning....my mom. She was going to the emergency room. Something wasn't right and she just wanted to talk to me all the way there. (45 minute trip) Something just went all over me during that conversation and I just started crying. My mom, being her usual feisty self, made me put my boyfriend on the phone to make him calm me down, lol. She made me go to work and not even come over there until after I got off. She found out once she got there that the cancer had spread. There was a lesion on her brain and her doctors didn't think that there was anything else that they could do. All treatments for the past year were not working. Her main oncologist wanted to keep trying. Mom chose to cut her losses and enjoy whatever time she had left. She stayed in the hospital for a week until she could get placed into hospice care. This was May 16, 2010.

There wasn't a time table placed on how long she had. She seemed so much better without all that chemo. She perked up and was the healthiest I have seen her in past year.....all except for that arm. I was under the impression that she would eventually come home against all odds. She planned EVERYTHING. Funeral was planned in about 2 days....told to me and my brother every single detail. My dad wasn't trying to hear any of that. I was driving back and forth almost everyday just to spend time....lay eyes on her.

About a week or so before she passed she just stopped eating. Slept a lot more. Talked a lot less. I had started going about twice a week by then. Being in hospitals freak me out and it was making me weary. That last week I just kept putting off going. The whole family was there together that last day. She just looked as if she was suffering. It broke my heart because it seemed like she was struggling to live. I kept thinking to myself, "I don't know how many times I can come over here and see her like this." She was non-responsive that whole time. The brightest spot of the day was when I came in and said "hey Mama!". She opened her eyes and looked at me for a minute and closed them. They said it was the most she had done all day.

I couldn't sleep at all that night after I got back home. Jay (the boyfriend) stayed up with me until I went to sleep....which was a little after 4 a.m. according to him. My dad called me right before 7 and told me that she died....a little after 4 a.m.!

I am so thankful for the time that I have shared with my mom. Almost 27 years of my life. I wish that she could be here for all of the milestones that you really need your mother for.....my wedding, my first child. I just hope that I can take all that she taught me and become that woman that she wanted me to be. And on that note.....I must sign off.

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I'm back....

Sorry blogger fam. I have been missing for quite some time. Had some things that were going on in my life that I had to take an extended hiatus. I am back now. (YAY!) I am going to be catching you all up on what has been going on over the past 2 months. Some good, some bad, some really sad. So read, relax and enjoy. I promise to never leave again....for now, lol.

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Wedding Bells Are Ringing.....But The Music Sounds Awful

I will be 27 in August. I'm not married and I don't have any kids. However a hell of a lot of my close friends and associates are engaged, just got married, have babies, are due any day now.....you get the picture. You know what they say about us women. Our biological clock starts ticking and we go to itching to get married and pop out a few babies. I am not going to lie. Every time I see a baby, I melt, get googly eyes and say to my boyfriend, "I want one!" It's wedding season now and this year (like every year before) I have begun watching WE, The Style Network, and TLC....with all of its Bridezillas, Platinum Weddings, Whose Wedding Is Anyway, and Say Yes To The Dress propaganda programming. I look at every thing wedding related on the internet (everything except engagement rings....I think my guy should pick that all by himself. I would love anything he picked out. EXCEPT 3 stone engagement rings.....been engaged with one of those before. I'll pass.)

So am I jumping at the bit to get married. NO! This is why in a nutshell.

From 2007 to 2009, I went 5 weddings. Out of those 5 couples, only 2 are still happily married. 1 is already divorced. Another is filing for divorce very soon and the third one was headed for divorce but they are unhappily trying to make it work though it's painfully obvious that they shouldn't be together (we all knew that on the wedding day....that's why none of the groom's friends and extended family came). That doesn't sound like a good statistic. It doesn't necessarily deter me from getting married, but it does make me take a step back and evaluate my long-term decisions in love. When I get married, I only want to do it one time. ONCE. I want it to be forever...like those old people who are married for 75 years and stuff. So I want my and my boyfriend to take our time. Make sure that that is the direction that we are headed before we jump the broom into a mistake.

All signs point to a great union though. We have been living together for almost a year. (I know this may be morally wrong, but after growing up with my parents I think that this is important. I know that they love each other.....but they didn't seem to like each other very much. I want to avoid that as much as possible. God knows my heart.) We have our ups and downs just like anybody else. But he is my soul mate. We read each others minds, finish each others sentences. We've been together 3 years and I still get excited to get off work and go home to see him. Sappy, isn't it. He proposed to me a little over a year ago. (No ring....just a promise....so not official) He tells me at least once a week about how he really needs to get this ring so we can just do it already. (*blushes*) I tell him all the time that I love where we are. We both know that making the jump right now would be short of crazy because love doesn't pay the bills, lol. We are maybe a year away from our career goals. Once real money starts coming in from me at least....I will say yes 1000 times. But for now....I'll leave the wedding bells for those brave enough.

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