Time To Give Thanks

Today I am linking up with Michelle from Divas With A Purpose on Thankful Thursday. At a time where I find SO many things to complain about I guess I do need to sit down and think about the things that I am truly grateful for and the things I am blessed to have.

1. I am thankful for my eye surgery. Not only did I need to get that detached retina fixed, this afforded me a 2 week FMLA break from my job....which was well needed because I was feeling stuck. 
2. I am thankful for having such an understanding and caring boyfriend. I give thanks for him a lot because he's my best friend. I really don't know what I would do without him. 
3. I am thankful for this job, because even though I am not that fond of it right now, it allows me to do things that I haven't been able to in a long while. 
4. I am thankful for family. We don't always see eye to eye, but I love the fact that I can count on them at a moment's notice. 

What are you guys thankful for?

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Just An Update!!!

Hey there you guys!! It's been a minute since I've posted and I haven't updated on anything from the past couple weeks. So here are the updates.

1. I got the tests back fro, the amniocentesis that I had to get this morning. So far I am having a healthy baby boy.....who is a little on the small side. My test results came back abnormal for spinal defects but I am happy to report that there are no spinal defects, no chromosomal abnormalities.....nothing. The only thing that is a concern is that he is about 2 to 3 weeks behind in development size. This probably has everything to do with my high blood pressure. i am taking steps to take better care of myself to let little man have some growing room.

2. I MOVED!!!!! Boo Thang and I are no longer living with his mother and are currently getting settled into out new townhouse. I am so thankful for all the blessings that have been given to me over the past couple of months. It was past time for us to strike out on our own again and get back to the business of.....us

That's the long and short of it!!

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Week 18: Off To A Rocky Start

I am 18 weeks along in my pregnancy, 22 weeks to go......whoo hoo!

At my last appointment, I had a blood pressure screening. My blood pressure was reading too high (155/95), too many times in a row for my doctor's liking.....so she put me on blood pressure meds. (Eek!) It's back down to a normal range, thank God. The last thing I want are any complications. I really need to get my health together. I'm really to young to be on blood pressure meds. I want to be around as long as possible for my baby.

At this same appointment, I took the AFP screening for birth defects. I always said I wanted this test....and that notion is good only in theory. After playing phone tag with my doctor all day Tuesday, I learned that the test came back abnormal. I think I cried 2 whole hours after that. I kept (....well I still do) keep thinking what did I do wrong. I did keep forgetting to take prenatal vitamins. My diet is RANDOM...I see food and eat it. The main reason I wanted the test in the first place is because autism and what is probably undiagnosed Downs run on my dad's side of the family. Now I'm terrified. Then I got on the internet......

.....and realized abnormal means nothing til I know the details. I have my anatomy scan (finally find out pink or blue!) next week, then an appointment with a fetal medicine and genetic specialist (praises go up for great insurance). So please keep me in your prayers. Hopefully I won't have a nervous breakdown between now and then.

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Welcome Back & The Announcement!

I know that my posting hasn't been worth ish. Access to internet is limited and to be perfectly honest.....sometimes after working on a computer for 8+ hours a day, I really don't feel like getting on one at home. But I am back and will be posting more regularly. So on to the announcement.....

I am 12 weeks pregnant!!!! It was a shock to both Jay and I, but why it was such a shock is beyond me lol. I've been off birth control for health reasons since October 2011. The rhythm method was working so well that I think we forgot that that mess wasn't foolproof. So I'm going to be a mommy! My first thought was "Noooo.....I'm too young!!!" Then I realized that I am going to turn 29 in August. I'm really running out of time to have pregnancies that aren't high risk ones. When I saw that positive Clear Blue Easy, I really just panicked. No other way to say it. I always try to schedule things where they go into their perfect place. Kids was supposed to come only after the career get on track and most importantly after marriage. Welp! Change in plans. Every day that passes, the more excited I become about bringing life into the world. The great part about it is that I have a loving partner that will be there every step of the way! So let's have a drink to me (well y'all drink and I'll watch). This blog will turn into a journal of my pregnancy with posts, rants, random commentary and pictures throughout the way!!

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30 Day Music Challenge: Day 28 - A Song That Makes You Feel Guilty

Now this song makes me feel just a tad guilty. I am miles away from home and sometimes I don't even call. No one but my brother calls me....so sometimes I only feel the need to make sure I talk to him on regular basis. This song is all about families...relationships that I really don't have.

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Blissful Ignorance

Ignorance (or witlessness) is a state of being uninformed (lack of knowledge). The word ignorant is an adjective describing a person in the state of being unaware and is often used as an insult. -- Wikipedia

One of my gripes with my stepmother is that she refuses to let my dad be himself. My dad is one of those people who watches the news DAILY. I'm talking about morning and night. He also has subscriptions to many newspapers. He reads Black Enterprise, TIME, Reader's Digest, and a plethora of other magazines. In short, my dad is a guy that still has a thirst for knowledge at his age. This is a major issue for his wife. *blank stare* She thinks that he is wasting his time doing all that because none of those things has anything to do with him. *blank stare* When my dad told me this, I immediately placed her on the "basic bitch" list. (More things that I have learned from my brother have led me to believe that no amount of help will get her off this list, but I digress.) I thought that this mentality was based off the fact that she was older and has a small world mentality. I was wrong. More and more I find that this is more common than I thought....in MY age group and younger.

My parents raised me in manner that I think has benefited me over the years. The motto of the house was: "If you don't know something, look it up. There is no excuse to be ignorant." My dad encouraged reading, so there was never a shortage of newspapers, books, encyclopedias and magazines in our house. My mother was an interactive learner, so anytime we expressed interest in something, she bought everything National Geographic video on the subject. My brother took an interest in Pearl Harbor and the whole house became World War II enthusiasts (helped me out in history classes throughout my life!). I took an interest in space and the whole house was able to name all the Lucky 7 astronauts and when they took off on the first Apollo missions. But I get that everyone was not as lucky to have parents like mine.

There is a common trend that being ignorant to the happenings of the world is okay as long as it's not directly affecting them. Then those same people get upset when other people around them follow what's going on in the world. I think it's crazy to be that way, but I don't get mad people for it. I just don't get too close to you because I enjoy rational conversations on a regular basis. There is only so often that I can talk to someone on a subject (usually that they initiate), realize they know absolutely nothing on it, and try to prevent attacks on my character because I actually read up on it. As technology grows, I am amazed at how it's being misused. You go on Facebook, Twitter, and MediaTakeOut to find out "news" and spread it. Then get mad at me because I tell you it's false. There is a such thing as Google....you're on the internet all day anyway. *in my Everest College commercial voice* If you don't like some of things that the media reports, be selective and not buy into all of it. That doesn't mean that media is bullshit or that everyone else is crazy. We all just have preferences.

It's time out for people preferring to know nothing because it suits them. At least if you plan to be willfully ignorant, don't be mad at me because I like to find these things out. As my dad said, there really is no excuse.

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Merry Christmas!

This year is going to be a different for me. For the first time, I won't be going home for Christmas. I am spending it with Boo Thang and his family. They won't let me sit around and be sad. I don't want to wallow in sadness every holiday. So this year I'm taking back the holidays. MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

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That's Not My Stepmother.....That's My Dad's Wife

Since my dad got married in July, I have decided that I would stay out of that situation. There is nothing that I can do or say....so I leave it alone. The fact that I was moving that next month as the perfect scenario for it all. They could have their rushed marriage and I wouldn't have to witness it. Seems like the more I try to stay out of it, the more I hear crap about it. I have more than a few gripes with her.

1. The honeymoon phase is over. 

SERIOUSLY?!?!? These folks have been married for 5 months. This has got to be the shortest honeymoon phase that I have ever seen. It's not like they have been together for a long time. Hell they just met in January. This January. Of 2011. Every time I talk to my dad on the phone, he's in the doghouse for this, that, or the other thing. This just makes me sound like a genius when I asked what the rush was. She was all infatuated with his ass while they were dating, but now she apparently doesn't like the man that my dad is. *side eye* She doesn't like that he talks a lot to people. My dad will talk to a tree....that's the kinda guy he is. He never meets a stranger. Let me be the first to say that MY MOTHER loved him for who he was. Talking too damn much and all. She doesn't know why he likes to watch the news so much because that stuff doesn't have anything to do with him. *record scratch* Why the hell are you 44 years old saying stupid shit like that thinking that things that happen in the world around you don't impact you? She has GOT to be the simplest person I have ever met. 

2. She is very insecure.

She doesn't like for my dad to have any interactions with people of the opposite sex. NONE. No women should call him on the phone for any reason. He shouldn't look at other women (as if he lived in a world where only she lived). My dad is a shade tree mechanic in his spare time. He can't even work on cars that are owned by women, unless they belong to her. *sighs*

3. She has a problem with him giving any financial help to his children. 

Now THIS one is the one that grinds my gears. She is financially irresponsible.....a new development since they've been together. She has been used to taking care of all the bills for her own house (which he lives now). Apparently he's responsible for taking care of everything while she goes out to buy $300 Coach purses. He is also supposed to take care of her 2 children that live there too. But when his own children need something, that becomes a problem. She has said that I wasn't raised right because I live with a man who isn't married. I almost went to jail over that statement. This was spoken from a woman who has two children with two different fathers and my dad is her FIRST husband. *sighs* I'm a daddy's girl, even with all this mess. My dad has my back without me having to ask....so if I need help of any type, he will be there. She actually got snapped on for this comment. 

For these reasons, that bitch is not my stepmother...she's my dad's wife. A stepmother gets in there and at least TRIES to get to know her stepchildren. She gets in there with my brother but she tries to isolate me. She knows that I am not down with the bullshit. I don't fake the funk with anybody, especially not with anybody that I don't think will stick around long. She doesn't think I know all of this stuff. I let her live Thanksgiving, but Christmas.....stay tuned. She has used all three of her strikes up with me.....I wonder if she knows it.....

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A Change In CIrcumstances

Sometimes I feel like when it rains, it pours. I have been extra pouty over the last couple of days because every time something seems to look up in my life, it somehow takes an extra turn and goes a little sour for me. I am one of those people that is a little afraid to get excited about certain things because I don't want to be disappointed later on. So here's what's been going on.

1. The start date of my new job has been delayed until January 23rd. I was told that it was delayed because even though they have me in the system they have not started on my background check as of November 14th....the date that I was supposed to start. This is extra irritating to me because I have been on the phone with those people back and forth since I got hired. I've been breaking my neck trying to find old W2s and checkstubs (which proved to be hard because we have moved and still haven't found a new place for important documents to go) to fax in to them. I think that if I am being prompt then as a business you should be too. I feel really bad about this because Boo Thang has since picked up a second job. Mind you he did this because he wanted to have extra Christmas money, but it LOOKS like he's slaving away while I am at home doing nothing (at least this is what I heard it looks like *rolls eyes*). I was looking forward to this job because it means that we could get our own place really soon.....but it looks like that dream is deferred.
2. My computer crashed. It has EVERYTHING on it. Plus it was my best mode of entertainment thus far. Bye, HP.....it's been fun.
3. My dad is depressed because it doesn't seem like his marriage is working.....after 4 months and 15 days. I told him that shit was not going to work back in June sympathize with him just a little bit. That's my daddy. He really is good people....too good to be mistreated by an immature, insecure golddigger.
4. Boo Thang and I need our own place. ASAP. I am starting not to feel like an adult anymore and this is a SERIOUS problem for me as I have always been a pretty independent person.

So these are my gripes. They are all workable....but sometimes it just feels good to pout about it, listen to slow jams and drink wine.
I feel

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And The Push For A Wedding Begins.....

While Boo Thang and I were living in Oxford, we had a good bit of pressure from my extended family to go on ahead and get married. Most of it came from the fact that we were living together. My family is really old fashioned in that way. My pastor at the time even sat us both down when my mom went into hospice care and told us how we needed to get married before my mom died. My mom was NOT going!!! She really didn't want us to rush things because of her and gave Jay her blessing for whenever we were ready. We decided at that point that we would work at our own pace and not let outside pressure influence us. We were under the impression that our move closer to his family would erase that element from our relationship. WRONG!!!! 

Boo Thang has a second cousin who has been deemed nuttier than squirrel shit is a little on the strange side. Apparently this woman (who I haven't had the pleasure of meeting yet) and Boo Thang's mama have been communicating on the phone a pretty good bit about me, him and our relationship track. One day after we had been out all day, there was a BIG package waiting at home for me. I opened it up to reveal a box that says David's Bridal on the front. In my mind I'm going "please don't let this be a dress, please don't let this be a dress!" It's a wedding dress. *sighs* Inside the dress box is a letter that reads:

Dear Kat,

This is [name omitted]. I know that you don't know me but I have heard a lot about you and your relationship with Boo Thang. I want to do something to help you guys out. The Lord led me to pick out this wedding dress for you. I felt the spirit of your mother and grandmother leading me to this particular dress and I know that they are pleased and smiling down on you. This is my gift to you, you don't owe me anything….BUT you have to use this dress by November 17th! I am excited to attend your upcoming wedding.

Love,

[Name Omitted]

WTF?!?! WHO BUYS A WOMAN A WEDDING DRESS?!?!?!?! Furthermore who buys someone a dress with stipulations. My natural reaction to that letter was to laugh. Boo Thang's was to snap off….hard. He said, "she means November 17th….of this year….as in next month? Oh hell naw!!" To add insult to injury, this dress is hideous not the wedding dress for me. It doesn't fit and Boo Thang has seen me in it. So even if I liked it, I couldn't use it. I'm superstitious like that. He's slightly pissed at his mom for not stopping this in it’s tracks. My thoughts are "dang…here we go again!"

With me getting a job (still turning cartwheels over that) we are closer to that. We refused to get married still having to ask our parents for basic living needs….or still living in his mom's house. People don't seem to understand exactly what our plans are. We are heading that way….but can we PLEASE make some money. What I want to say to all parties involved is:

IF YOU WANT US TO GET MARRIED SO BAD, PAY FOR IT!!!!! I AM NOT HAVING A COURTHOUSE WEDDING…..so do you still want us to rush now? Thought so. Oh and that down payment on a new place….we're gonna need that too. *rolls eyes* 

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Review: If Sons, Then Heirs

If Sons, Then Heirs by Lorene Cary

My rating: 3 of 5 stars



After I read a review of this book from a twitter friend, I was all on board to give a try. I found this book during Borders' going out of business sale and was excited.

This book centers around Alonzo Rayne and the Needham family. The core of the story tells of a parcel of heir property that needs to be dealt with to help the matriarch, Selma, be taken care of in her old age. There is also a story of redemption when it comes to Alonzo's mother, Jewell, who gave him up at a very young age. Racism, family intricacies and love plays itself out though the whole of the touching story.

This book starts of VERY slow. So slow that I quit reading this book to start another one. Once the plot opens to the heir property situation the story snowballs into action. The only gripe I had about the book is that sometimes it was hard to know from whose point of view I was reading. The thing I loved most about the book was the family tree placed at the beginning. I needed to refer back to that A LOT. Overall I give this book 3 stars.



View all my reviews

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Oh Granny....

Who doesn't love their grandmother? I do!! She can cook her ass off, was great for the weekend getaway when I was tired of my parents and she's sweet as pie. Since my mom died last year, Ms. Grandma (yes, that's what I call her) has been abnormally clingy. Since my mom is her daughter and we are the only grandkids that still live in state (and only an hour away), I didn't mind that she wanted to see more of us. That was until my visits became not enough. Since Mother's Day, I've been on strike until I get some kind of inkling that my feelings are being respected and taken into account. Not to mention that my days are pretty full with looking for a job, coordinating a move and just trying to regain a sense of normalcy, and trying to get my car fixed. I just really haven't felt like being bothered. I know that's kinda awful. I feel bad about it….a little bit.

Last night, Ms. Grandma calls me and the tone is harsh from the first hello. No "hey, how you doing" just "y'all just don't call me at all no more, huh?!" *sighs* I JUST TALKED TO HER a few days ago. This call was one to convince me not to move. As have the last few calls have been. That's the real reason she's angry. Every time we talk it's all the same "concerns" with a new one added in to just throw me off. It's quite irritating. Here are a few of the tactics:

"Why are you even moving way down there in the first place?" It's really only 2 1/2 hours, first off. I need to find a job ASAP. The job opportunities up here are non-existent for me unless I want to work at a factory. So I am going there for better networking, since all my colleagues are there and so I can have a better chance to get a job. I don't have any children or anything that's tying me here….so why not? (that always pisses her off)

"How do you know that Boo Thang's mama wants you to stay there?" As I have explained 1000 times, staying with his mom is temporary until a security deposit for a new place to stay is saved. Won't be there past October….and the end of the year is pushing it. Besides, she wanted me to come down there and stay with her by myself a year and a half ago because she thought I would find a better job down there….so this isn't much of a stretch.

"How do you know you're going to be able to even find a job down there?" Well, I can't do any worse down there than I'm doing up here, can I? (Way to go for the support, though)

"What is your brother going to do if you leave? I sure wish you would think about that and not leave him here by himself!!" Umm….you do know he is 22 years old right? He's not a baby and if people would quit having that attitude about the situation, everyone would be better off. He's a guy. He has to learn how to make it on his own at SOME point.

"Why are you running away?" (This is in reference to my dad getting married.) I'm not running away. This decision was made long before I even knew they were getting married. We are just moving south and not north like we originally planned for money's sake. Them getting married just made the decision all the more comforting.

To do this once a week is really exhausting. I love my Granny to death. I really do….but a little support is all I'm asking for. Can I get ONE thing? 

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A Letter To My Mother

Dear Mama,

Today marks a whole year since you left here. It's amazing that it's been that long. Actually it's probably been the shortest year of my life. I didn't think that I would ever get used to you not being here. My faith really is getting me through. It gets a little easier everyday. I still miss your presence. The thousand phone calls a day while watching the same TV shows. The laughter and the fun. You taught me so much about life and for that I'm thankful. It's really getting put to use now. I think you would be so proud of me. I'm not exactly where I need to be, but I know you would approve of the work ethic.

I think about the days ahead and I get a little sad. I think about all the things that you are gonna miss, all the things I still need guidance for. Wedding, babies...all those milestones. It's scary to know that I will be doing that without you. But I know you'll be there in spirit. You are loved and truly missed.

Love always,
Kat

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Grin And Bear It?

My dad is getting remarried on July 2nd.

I have known this little tidbit of information since April, but in my mind I just thought that it wasn't going to happen. I have no problem with my dad dating. I could tell that he was getting lonely. Who could blame him? If I were married to someone for 28 years and they died, I would have an issue with loneliness myself. So when he met F.S.M. (future stepmother) back in January, I said go forth and prosper. My baby brother (total mama's boy) pitched the biggest fit about them even dating. He didn't like it, didn't stand for it. I had to log what seemed like hundreds of man hours on the phone with him to get him to realize that Daddy dating is probably a good thing. My brother was stuck on the fact that Mama hadn't even been gone but 7 months.  They had been dating a month before I met her. It was a casual meeting in Walmart of all places. You can't really tell a lot about a person in 30 minutes or so. What I did see was that she had him smiling, laughing, and giggling like a young person (which if you my dad….is strange in itself). So she was okay with me for the most part. My brother, however, was not accepting her AT ALL.

Fast forward to April. My dad and I are riding in my car to Grenada on a Spain's run (All North Mississippians know about the discount meat, lol). My feelings toward my dad at that moment were very soft and fragile. Since my dad had been dating, I haven't seen or heard from him very much. Calls to him left unanswered, text messages where voices used to be. I wanted to use that time to tell him how much I missed him and figure out what the hell was going on. Then we passed by this building and he announces, "that's the building where me and F.S.M.'s reception is going to be. Did I tell you I was getting married?" HELL NO YOU DIDN'T TELL ME AND YOU KNOW DAMN WELL YOU DIDN'T!!! That was my inside reaction. So my response was, "wow really? When?" To which he replied, "July 2nd. We've been engaged since February." SHUT. THE. FRONT. DOOR. It didn't make any sense to me. The first anniversary of my mom's death is June 15 and you mean to tell me you are ready to get married less than a month after that? But what I said was, "why so soon?" The reaction that I got from him was "because I'm grown and I don't need to be with someone 5 years to know whether or not I want to be with them!" Wow, Daddy. An overreaction and a knock to my life all in the same blow (he was off because me and Boo Thang have only been together 4 years, but whatever). I didn't like it then, but I said my congratulations. I told him that we all needed to get together with F.S.M. because I don't even know her and she's about to become a part of my family. I hadn't even seen her since we met the first time in January.

Two weeks passed until we got together for dinner. I brought Boo Thang for reinforcements. He knows when I am about to go off before I do, so he works perfectly in what could be heated discussions. F.S.M. was upset that I even asked why they were rushing. She told me that the reason I hadn't spent time with her was my fault and so was the relationship with my dad. Pump your brakes, bitch I don't even know! I told her I didn't have anything against her I just didn't know her and she was marrying my dad. Obviously this put me off. My dad was silent listening to me and her dialogue…..looking sad, not saying a word. Needless to say, I have only heard my dad's voice twice since then. Yea, I know it's June.

Yesterday would have been my mom and dad's 29th wedding anniversary. Talked to my dad and he was torn up about it. Does that sound like a man ready to get married in less than a month to you? Me either. I didn't say anything about it when we talked, but I feel like I must say something soon. As for F.S.M……no attempts to get to know me. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but she is supposed to come to me. She's trying to get in my family, NOT vice versa. My brother is in the wedding. No one asked me to even participate, though my dad really wants me to be there. I feel like I am being shut out and don't really know why. I guess I should just grin and bear it, but how?

HELP!!! Is this how I'm supposed to feel? Am I really doing something wrong?

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And Mother's Day Starts My Vacation.......

Yesterday was Mother's Day. It was the first Mother's Day that I have spent without my mom. It made me think back to last year. Mother's Day Weekend 2010 was when I realized that my mom was sicker than she was telling me she was. A month later she was gone. I didn't know how yesterday was going to affect me….but I woke up and was fine. I had plans on watching church service (my favorite church UStreams), going to the cemetery to place flowers at my mother's grave and then going to eat dinner with my Granny. This is NOT how the day went.


Missed church altogether because I overslept. That didn't bother me too much because I have been really stressed and tired lately. This was my body's way of telling me to take better care of myself. Got woken out of my sleep by my grandmother telling me that she wasn't feeling well and that she might have a stomach virus. She said that she still wanted me to come and eat because she cooked dinner. Now I love my granny to death, but she out of all people knows that I have a VERY sensitive system and if I breathe the air of a virus, I am likely to get sick. I immediately went to take a cod liver oil pill, a multivitamin and drink a glass of orange juice (like that was going to anything for a stomach virus….but I prayed about it). In the midst of me getting ready for the day, my brother starts blowing up my phone. This immediately starts me off on the wrong foot. Anytime we are set to anything together, he start blowing my phone up. "Where you at?" "You ready?" "How long until you get ready?" "What time you leaving?" Well, if you would get calling and texting me fiddy-leven times, MAYBE I could get some shit done. Whenever I feel rushed, my blood pressure goes up a bit. Then my grandmother calls back (an hour and a half after I spoke with her the first time) mad as hell that I'm not already down there (regardless that it takes almost an hour to get there) and cussed me out saying that she was going to the doctor.……hangs up in my face and everything. Now this was not the way that the day was supposed to happen. In an hour and a half I am exhausted as hell. So I got back in the bed. My mind went, "skip the dinner, skip the cemetery, get back in the PJs and watch a Madea movie." And that's what I TRIED to do. Then my brother calls again (for the fiddy-thirteenth time) saying that my granny was at the ER. 8 hours later, the diagnosis is that she let her blood sugar get too low and got dehydrated. My guess is that Mother's Day really did take it's toll on her because she was missing my mom too. Glad Granny is okay. Though she didn't make it easy on any doctor or nurse. She had one nurse thinking she was feeble!! My granny is the most active old person I've ever met! She stayed a whole lot longer than was necessary because she wouldn't let those people do their jobs. If my expression could talk, everyone got an "Are you f***ing serious?!" look. But a lot of things have to change from today forward.

I don't feel like anyone in my immediate family respects my time, my feelings, my life, or my sanity. I love them and I know that this has been a rough almost year…..but we gotta get back down to some order in some form or fashion. I can't DO everything. I can't BE everywhere. I spent all day, as I have spent the majority of the last year looking out for everyone else's needs. I don't even get a thank you. Just "it's what you were supposed to do" or "what else were you going to be doing." I have prayed about it because I don't want to just leave them high and dry….but I do need a little peace. I need to be free from drama for more than a few hours at a time. I need for everything to calm down. Every issue is NOT a DefCon 5 situation! So my phone has been off and in my underwear drawer all day. In case of a real emergency, they have the boo thing's number and I know they won't call that for any minor stuff. I'm on strike.

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Day 10: Worst Day Of Your Life

The worst day of my life.....June 15, 2010. This was the day that my mom passed away. Period. No more need to elaborate.

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Mixed Feelings

So it's the week of Christmas. If you asked me 6 months ago how I would feel about this time of year, I probably would've said "the show must go on." Now I feel differently.

Christmas was my mom's favorite time of year....and this is the first time in my life that I am spending it without her. I just feel really empty and weepy. I thought that I was handling her death really well but something about this time of year is sending me into a tailspin. It's like I have started back at day 1 with grief. I don't really wanna go anywhere or do too much. But I'm pushing through in spite of it all. I just never thought that it would be this hard.

Now I'm not totally depressed. I have my good days....then I have a moment in that day. Then I have my bad ones....like today, where I can't seem to get started. Just praying for strength and guidance. At this point that's all I can do.

I am grateful for my guy. He been a rock. He knows how I feel and is there for me every step of the way. He lost his dad 2 days after Christmas, so this is always a rough time for him too. He counteracts the loneliness I feel. So here's to better days....

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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I Don't Think I Owe You Anything....

This weekend was my grandmother's 71st birthday. YAY!! The whole family got together last year to celebrate her 70th. It was a huge and great celebration because it was a surprise and Ms. Grandma (yep, that's what I call her!) had no idea that my aunt and uncle (her two youngest) were coming home from Minnesota. Those were happy times because everyone was home. *sighs* *nostalgia*

This year was.....a bit different. My mom, of course, was missed. It was just my dad, my brother, and I. We got flowers and cards and visited. All good things. What trips me out is.....it seems that now no matter what I do, it is never enough to people. Here is where we enter the dreaded forced family gatherings. The day after her birthday we all go down to see her because she is really sad because she misses my mom. It's only been 5 months (today, actually) and I miss her like the dickens too! I personally just don't see the point of spending your birthday sad and depressed. The Lord blessed you with another year.....don't waste it. Anyway, I digress. We get down there and we talk about church for hours. We listen to tears about my mom (they go there....I don't). And the whole time I am just ready to go home. Afterwards I get multiple calls about my attitude: You didn't act like you wanted to be there. You should be more comforting to people because they miss your mom like you do. Why don't you respond to the fifty-leven people who I give your number out to without asking when they want talk about your mom? *side eye*

I'm irritated because it has come to me that people look to me (a little too much) to bring comfort to other people when it comes to dealing with my mother's death. I think that I am handling my grief pretty well for it to still be fresh. I have my down days. Hell I'm supposed to. BUT there are things that I can not and will not do in my time of grief.

1. I will not use every holiday, birthday, or day that ends in Y to find reasons to just be depressed because everyone expects me to. My mother was a very strong person. I am a lot like her in certain aspects. She was a pretty happy person.....so my biggest tribute to her will be to just stay positive and not let this define the rest of my life (...that actually was one of the last conversations that I had with her)
2. I don't owe anybody ANYTHING. I lost my mother. This is the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through in my life. Therefore, if you are not calling me to see how I am doing and to offer me words of encouragement then I am not obligated to talk to you. I am not obligated to talk to you then. I'm sorry if I'm not making you feel better about it....but there is nothing I can tell you. This is new to me too. Be an encouragement, not a drain....maybe then I will answer the phone.
3. The way I handle my grief is exactly that. No, I don't break down in tears all willy nilly. Actually it's been exactly 2 months since I've shed one tear. That doesn't mean that I don't miss her or that I don't care. I'm just handling things the best way I know how. Do you and I will do me.
4. Hell no I'm not going to the cemetery. It is too fresh for me and I am NOT ready. So don't ask me anymore. I will eventually get back there....but not anytime too soon. I am so happy that talking to her there helps you. Keep doing that. Personally, I don't think she is there. If I talk to the ground, it's not going to talk back. Soooo.....yea.

I had to snap off because of all the flack I have been catching over this short period of time. It drains me. I wish she were here......that way when I got tired of snapping, she would pick up my slack. Thanks for blessing me with the gift of sassy and snappiness, Mama. Sometimes you need it.

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30 Day Letter Challenge: Day 11 - A Deceased Person You Wish You Could Talk To

(NOTE: For reasons that many people who follow my blog are already aware of, I have put off writing this letter for almost a week. So now it is time to actually get these feelings out so that I can move forward with this already too long 30 day challenge, lol.)

Dear Mama,

It's been a little over 4 months since you passed away. What I can I say? Things are definitely different now that you are gone. It's amazing how I never really paid attention to how intertwined you were into my life. I guees that's because I took for granted that you would always be here.

I remember like it was yesterday when you got diagnosed ....summer 2007. I remember that you went to go get some testing done and they found a mass in your lung. I just wanted to go to every appointment to keep you calm and make sure you weren't freaking out. You found out definitely that it was cancer 2 days before my 24th birthday. You didn't tell me because I was in Atlanta celebrating and partying for a week. IN FACT...you lied and told me you were fine until the moment I touched back down in Mississippi. I couldn't be mad at that. That was always your way....keeping me anything that could be considered as bad news.  A lot of people talk about how angry they are when someone close to them dies. I haven't reached that stage of grief yet....and I'm not sure if I will. I had time to try to wrap my mind around this thing before it happened (though I know now that nothing could have prepared me for the way that I feel). We had great conversations and laughed all the way to the end.

I just miss you. It just sucks to be left in a family full of guys (you know I love them.....but hell you know your son and husband). I just miss hearing your voice and calling you. I realized that I wouldn't make a major move until I talked to you first. Now I'm coming up on a season of nothign but MAJOR moves....and I feel kinda lost because I feel as if I need you here to just through it with me. It is damnest times where I miss you the most. Monday Night Football. Work issues. Real Housewives of Atlanta (...who else can I call fifty-leven times in one episode to talk about those stupid hoes, lol). *sighs* Who's going to help me plan my wedding? Who's going to help me to be as good of a mother to my child as you are to me? Those are the things that run through my mind all the time.

All I want to do is make you proud. That is thing that I am striving for now. As much as it is important, for God to say "well done" at the end of my life's journey....I want to hear it from you too. I love you. I will always miss you.  Keep me a spot warm up there....you know I'm working to be able to take it.

Love always,
Kat ♥

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Reflecting and Remembering...

Today is my mother's birthday. She would have been 52 today. I have passing moments of sadness but overall I am okay. It's been a little over 3 months. This has been a LONG 3 months.

My brother and my dad went to her grave this afternoon and placed fresh flowers there. I.....well I was 100 miles away. No literally. I got the hell out of town. I'm not really ready to go back to the cemetery. I just don't feel like she's even there. If I talk to the ground, she's not gonna talk back to me. So I don't feel like I should force myself to go. They don't understand me and they think I'm being selfish. But I have to place my feelings first. I have comforted others to no end....but I don't feel like that's being returned. So I gotta take care of me.

My mom wouldn't have wanted us to sit around and be sad. And I didn't forget (...as folks would like to believe). I choose to remember her in happy ways. I think about her all the time....and I miss her. More than anybody knows. Happy birthday, Mama!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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